If a woman brings you cupcakes be afraid… be very afraid

Missed Neighbours over the past few weeks? Then you missed the return of Sophie to Erinsborough High, Aiden and Chris’s first blink-or-you’ll-miss-it onscreen kiss, sporty BMW’s, the demise of the Clown Mobile, the breakup of the do-gooding Summer and the oddly Aussie/Scottish accented Andrew, barmaid rivalry, jamming doctors, drumming Councillors, band manager hair, personal trainer birthday celebrations and puppy giving. You also missed…

Revelations, resignations and top notch trembly hand acting

The evil one legged media mogul’s cunning plan to invite half of Erinsborough to Tash’s “I’m-so-happy-my-father-has-left-me” party using a fictitious Facebook account, pretend to phone the police when things got out of hand and publish a report bemoaning how the police’s failure to turn up had resulted in life-threatening sofa-on-the-lawn-toilet-paper-party-anarchy and would never have happened if Councillor Ajay Kapoor hadn’t turned the local police station into a community centre, came undone after his own intrepid reporter, Susan Kennedy, twigged what he had done and, despite a brief bit of pleading and devious blackmail, revealed all. Well, one thing led to another which oddly enough didn’t lead to the swearing of I-will-have-my-revenge-for-such-treachery-type oaths but did lead to the resignation of Paul “Murdoch” Robinson as editor, a promotion for Mrs K, sneaky scarf wearing journalistic spyings, sackings, official warnings, late night typings, missed meditations, IT issues, impending deadlines and the return of Susan’s MS. What was that? You thought the writers had forgotten all about Susan’s MS? Ye of little faith.

Looming homelessness and dodgy accounting

Having learned that her surfer-dude dad has decided to sell the house (not the most obvious way to mend father/daughter relations but there you go), Tash, the former Mathlete/uni student/hopeful candidate for the barmaid job at Charlie’s, and her new part-time house mates, Chris and Aiden, attempted to put off potential buyers with the aid of some damp towels, fake viewers and laws of physics defying guitar playing (don’t ask).

Kate, the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher/part-time assistant in Harold’s/other hopeful candidate for the barmaid job at Charlie’s, discovered that Lou had stolen $8000 from the Dial-a-Kyle business to pay off his cruise. After pleadings from Lou not to reveal all Kate explained away the deficit to her beloved Kyle (she still gazes at him longingly) as inept Carpenter-type-accountancy and has taken over the handyman’s books in order to sneakily help a repentant job seeking Lou pay back the money.

Baby woes

The tearful green-fingered smock wearing Sonya decided to give up on her dreams of having a baby with her spermalogically challenged beloved following (a) a terrifying premonition that their child would bear a striking resemblance to a wombat or (b) yet another negative pregnancy test (delete as appropriate).

And Vanessa, the woman that Lucas one-night-standed a few weeks ago, returned to give the floppy haired mechanic a box of cupcakes and inform him that he was going to be a dad (presumably some strange Aussie tradition). Naturally Fitzgerald took the news well, took to the open roads on his bike, refused to accept he was the father, accused her of trying to con him out of his vast fortune, accidentally scuppered her chances of being hired by Limpalot as the new Lassiter’s chef (long story) and then took to the open roads on his bike… again. Unimpressed by Lucas’s unchivalrous behaviour the homeless, jobless, fiery and rather attractive Vanessa told the virile mechanic that she wanted nothing more to do with him and then promptly accepted Kate’s invitation to move into Number 24.

Snort of derision of the month: From my wife actually – when the impeccably dressed, perfectly made-up, flawlessly coiffured Vanessa professed to have been living in her car.

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He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy

God’s gift to Erinsborough, the dastardly Dr Lawson, broke his poor wheelchair-bound mother’s heart after she discovered he was too embarrassed to introduce her to his house mates, had got onto the trainee surgeon programme through foul means and was no better than his shallow, self-serving father who’d abandoned them years ago. The spermalogically challenged Toadie vowed to spend more time with his beloved baby-obsessed green-fingered recovering something-or-other Sonya and adopted son Callum. A broke Lou embarked on a short-lived get-rich-quick-health-tonic scam (don’t ask). Kate, the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher/part-time assistant in Harold’s, gave her less-sullen-of-late sister Sophie and her friend Rani a makeover (I know, thrilling). Limpalot invited half of Erinsborough to Tash’s late night “I’m-so-happy-my-father-abandoned-me” party using a fictitious Facebook account as part of a cunning anti-Councillor-Kapoor-type plan (long story). And Summer Annoyland, having told Andrew she wanted a break, changed her mind only to discover her oddly accented beloved in Tash’s bed pashing some student journalist.

And finally…

These Ramsay Street recaps are going to be a bit less frequent for a while. One thing has led, as it so often does, to another which oddly hasn’t led to exploding veggy vans, evil twins, unhinged mothers and fake spiritualists, but has ultimately led to less time in which to compile these pointless plot summaries. If you’re looking for another Neighbours recap site (Aussie pace) you might want to check out the following: http://recaparama.wordpress.com

Favourite part of blogging so far? Checking out the search terms used to find this site. Given the number of searches for “shrugalero” I’m thinking there’s a market out there for Donna’s famous/infamous (delete as appropriate) fashion garment. To the Google users who found this site by searching for “girl vs horny pig”, “naked Serbian girls”, “naked married men” and “gay naked mechanics”, sorry to disappoint.

Previously on Neighbours…

Missed Neighbours over the past few weeks? Then you missed dodgy kitchen tile dealing, recycled emotional motor bike riding angst, stand-in lawyering of the Councillor Kapoor variety, toe-curlingly embarrassing oh-for-the-love-of-God-stop “Free As A River” funeral duetting, spaghetti bolognese farce, fake fun run injuries, and a singing Sophie and her damned guitar strumming. You also missed…

Sperm promoting relaxation techniques, the besting of a dastardly doctor and aimless frolicking

The spermalogically challenged Toadie sneakily took on extra work at the firm of big shot city lawyers after finding it more relaxing than spending time with Sonya and Callum in their newly renovated home, much to the secret dismay of his green-fingered beloved. Dr Smarmy’s attempts to use his evil superpowers of psychology and good looks to lure Jade into his bed backfired when the personal trainer twigged his cunning plan and belted him in the stomach. And Kate continued to do pretty much bugger all other than gaze at Kyle in secret adoration whilst frolicking about in her new outfits. What was that? Does she still intend to steal him away from Jade? Who knows.

Musical mutiny, earache and jealous dumping

Andrew Robinson reluctantly agreed to Red Cotton’s demand for more money after they threatened to pull out of the gig their skint oddly Aussie/Scottish accented manager had arranged for them at Charlie’s. Summer Annoyland demanded to know why Andrew hadn’t shared his latest business woes with her and upon discovering he wanted to keep their working and private lives separate demanded to know what they’d talk about in the evenings. And head surgeon Alice the Goon dumped Karl after learning (a) his estranged wife had spent the day helping the distraught doctor deal with the death of a close friend he hadn’t seen or spoken to in years and (b) Susan would always play a significant role in Dr K’s life especially now they’d spilt and the scriptwriters were creating endless opportunities for the pair to have will-they-won’t-they-get-it-on-again-moments.

And finally…

Tash finally discovered the shockingly sordid truth about the day her Serbian beauty queen mother Helena drowned all those years ago. Hmm? No really, she did! Keen to rid herself of feelings of guilt the rather attractive Serbian beautician/hairdresser/model for arty naked photos/white witch Emilia decided to engage in wickeny rituals of the burning-confessional-“It’s my fault Helena died”-notes-on-the-barbecue kind. But alas, cruel fate intervened when, unbeknown to Emilia, a sneaky breeze whisked one such note away only to be discovered by Tash (what were the odds?). Demanding to know what the note meant Michael finally confessed all.

Well shocking revelations naturally led to tearful “you both make me sick” shoutings, some distraught driving, daughterly revenge of the setting-light-to-the-Sandman kind (briefly mistaken for wronged mechanicerly revenge of the setting-light-to-the-Sandman kind but ultimately explained away to the police as stupidity of the accidental-setting-light-to-the-Sandman-after-teacher/beautician-romantic-candle-lit-wooing kind), movings out, fatherly pleadings for forgiveness and icy “I have no father” rejections. “Gosh.” Quite. Anyway, Emilia decided to flee to Serbia convinced her presence was making things worse and Michael, having packed all his worldly belongings into just the one bag, decided to join her in order to give his daughter the time and space she needs to forgive him / enjoy guilt free naked adult relations with his beloved and spare himself any future Tashtrums (delete as appropriate).

In no more than 100 words recap last week’s goings-on in Neighbours…

There was sperm-sample-race-against-the-clock farce and failed evil one-legged attempts to “buy” a campaigning councillor Ajay Kapoor. Summer was hired as Erinsborough News online editor-something-or-other after boosting paper sales with thrilling stories of the proposed-new-community-centre-will-result-in-the-scrapping-of-the-local-Police-Station kind. A guilt-ridden Kate temporarily scuppered the dastardly doctor’s plan to break up Jyle and pondered which new top to wear. Oddly Aussie/Scottish accented manager-type attempts to promote Red Cotton concerts at Charlie’s led to recycled way-dornt-yooze-or-may-daaah-ever-sepport-may mornings/moaning. And Lucas, having accidentally discovered Emilia and Michael together, shouted a bit, drank a lot and one-night-standed a rather attractive woman who served up a mean omelette.

Naked adult shenanigans and dastardly doctorly doings

Movings on, apologies, eeee-yew type stuff and surprisingly fast plot development.

Susan moved out of the sperm promoting seaweed smoothie drinking Toadie’s house and into the Kennedy storage container/a new apartment (delete as appropriate), thrilled at the prospect of living alone and having the opportunity to discover herself and not remotely bothered that her estranged hubby Karl has reluctantly started dating his much taller fun-run partner and smitten colleague Jessica, the head of surgery.

Summer embarked on a campaign to convince Limpalot to give her a job at the Erinsborough News, apologised to Tash for causing her father’s collapse with all the fake pregnancy/dating a slimy gardener/online topless photos/graffiti/selling treasured Bad Love albums to fund a nose job/near death swimming pool antics/genealogical research type grief she’d put him through (hang on…) and advised her mathletic friend how to deal with her dad’s recent revelation that he and her aunty were in love and wanted to be together. Hmm? How the heck did that come about? Well…

Emila became stranded in a car park without a car (don’t ask) and phoned the previously spurned surfer-dude for assistance. A grinning Michael leapt into the Sandman and after a brief ignition problem of the obvious-sign-posting-of-future-ignition-problem-plot kind sped off to rescue his beloved. What was that? Did the Sandman fail to start once Michael had picked up the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician? Funnily enough it did and having phoned Fitzgerald Motors breakdown recovery service the pair decided to pass the time engaged in naked adult shenanigans of yesteryear (as you do).

The young gay apprentice mechanic Chris Pappas soon arrived on the scene and upon discovering a pink and presumably still warm bra in the front of the Sandman twigged what Michael and Emilia had been up to and later advised his former surfer-dude head teacher to tell Tash what was going on (minus the sordid details). And rather surprisingly Michael did. After a brief “Oh how could you have kept this from me” tantrum Tash has now accepted the situation though is still unaware that the pair had once engaged in adulterous naked adult shenanigans in the Sandman which had contributed to the drowning of her tiara wearing Serbian beauty queen mother. “And what of Lucas?” Oh he still has no idea that his ex beloved and best mate are together but I’m sure he’ll take it really well. Really well indeed.

Despicably cunning plans

Vaguely determined to steal the handyman she’d always loved but didn’t realise she’d always loved from her friend without actually stealing the handyman from her friend, because that would just be horrid, the sweet and innocent Kate “jokingly” bet the dastardly Dr Rhys Lawson, that though most women were incapable of resisting his smarmy charms he would never be able to seduce Jade. Sneaky? Quite. Well, one thing led, as it so often does, to another which inevitably led to bare chests, laundry sabotage, reluctant agreeings to meet granny Canning, large bills for the care of secret sick wheelchair bound mothers, laundry rage, cutting “rich mummy’s boy” put downs and vengeful doctorly determinations to scupper the personal trainer’s happiness.

Using his evil psychological super powers, the smarmy trainee surgeon convinced Jade that it was far too early for her to meet any of Kyle’s family, let alone his granny, and that he, unlike her beloved handyman, truly understood how she felt about such matters for he was, let’s face it, a damned nice fellow as well as devastatingly good looking, and to prove it handed her a new white top to replace the one that he’d “accidentally” ruined with his pink shirt. And? Well she appeared a bit baffled by such acts of apologetic top giving, which is presumably what the loathsome Lawson intended and will somehow lead to unlikely lustful longings before too long.

Puzzle of the week: A minor one, but had Chris obtained a school pass from reception before going to see Michael or had the scriptwriters forgotten this previously unheard of rule they were so keen to bang on about the other week?

Previously on Neighbours…

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you certainly didn’t miss any friendly waving, perfect blending or being-there-for-one-anotherliness. You did miss…

Dodgy scams

Lou’s fake shuffle-board-neck-injury-insurance-claim-scam backfired and having blown all his money on his cruise he now looks set to fiddle the accounts of the Dial-a-Kyle business in order to cream off the profits.

School woes

Summer decided to pack in school following spotty youth you’re-a-cheat-type taunting. And The Brat (aka Sophie) was told she could go back to Erinsborough High if she apologised for vandalising the girls’ toilets. But the sullen, purple highlighted, nose ringed, bass playing teenager was all “I’m like so not sorry for that” and ended up being packed off to Eden Hills Grammar School by her despairing one legged legal guardian Paul Robinson where she had a miserable time but is like so not going to admit that to her uncle.

Manly DIY

In a desperate attempt to prove he was a man the spermalogically challenged Toadie decided to undertake a bit of DIY of the bashing-a-large-hole-in-a-wall-to-make-a-fire-place kind and did his back in. Despite failing to impress his green fingered beloved Jarrad did manage to impress his boss Charlotte with some improvised standing up big shot lawyer type business negotiations (long story).

The surfer dude, the Serbian and the mechanic

Michael struggled to suppress a gleeful grin when a depressed Lucas informed him that Emilia had dumped him. But gleeful grinnings were soon replaced by forlorn frownings when the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician/occasional naked model for arty type photos told the surfer-dude English teacher she wasn’t yet ready to resume their relationship of yesteryear. And what of the heartbroken mechanic? Well according to Kyle he’s entered the denial stage of the break up having taken Emilia’s “it’s not you it’s me” explanation for dumping him as a hopeful sign that she’ll take him back. What was that? Didn’t he use the same line when breaking up with the flaky florist? I think he did.

And finally…

It was a rare angst free week for the personal trainer and the handy man. And get this, Jade even engaged in unashamed public signs of affection with her beloved and reminisced in front of her boot camp for fake singles (don’t ask) about the day she and Kyle first met and how, just several short, hassle free months later, they were united in mutual besottedness. Bloody hell? Quite. Naturally such public declarations of besottedness caused the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher/part-time assistant in Harold’s/permed party girl Kate to suddenly realise that she loved the handyman with all her heart. Sorry? You didn’t know Kate had ever harboured such feelings for Kyle in the past and didn’t she once reject his advances? Err… she hasn’t and you’re right, she did (helpfully recapped by a pre-permed spurning flashback). What’s your point?

Anyway, having learned from the smarmy Dr “you’ve got to fight for what you want regardless of who you screw over in the process” Lawson that Kyle had planned to fly to Port Douglas to search for her, Kate has decided she’s going to attempt to steal him away from her friend for how could she live the rest of her life knowing she’d let the only man she’d ever truly loved since the handsome-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way-detective with OCD Mark Brennan slip through her fingers? Hmm? No the cocky chap at Port Douglas the other week was a holiday fling. Doesn’t count apparently.

A Quick Neighbours Recap

There were high perm counts, low sperm counts, cutting apron put downs and some oddly Aussie/Scottish accented “given epp ezz nort yer stale” motivational type dialogue that should have come with subtitles.

Having given up hope that her older sister would return to save her from a life in foster care, Sophie fled Ramsay Street to live under the bed of Rani Kapoor (presumably a short term plan) unaware that her aforesaid sister had scrapped her travel plans and ended her holiday romance after receiving an email from Callum, pretending to be Sophie, with pleadings of the I’m-sorry-for-being-such-a-brat-please-come-home-and-or-I’ll-be-thrown-into-an-orphanage kind. Alas, the runaway sullen purple highlighted nose-ringed bass playing teenager was soon found and dragged back home by her one-legged and less evil-of-late uncle Limpalot.

Kate returned to the street where a friendly wave each morning helps to make a better day and was immediately greeted with tantrums of the like-I-care-that-you-came-back-or-I-go-into-foster-care kind (yes who else) and angry how-could-you-take-off-without-a-word-to-your-mates kind (Kyle, much to the delight of a jealous Jade who feared he still held a torch for the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher) but after a bit of picture gazing a tearful sisterly reconciliation ensued. Sophie has now been permanently palmed off onto Paul, who despite his criminal record, is set to become her legal guardian, allowing Kate to live a life free of substitute-motherly type responsibilities and party all the live long day in her new short dresses/long tops.

Toadie learned he was spermalogically challenged prompting the brief return of the house of trouser and a shortage of tinned tuna (long story). Summer Hoyland decided to resit Year 12 in order to keep her journalistic dreams alive. Unable to tell Kyle that she loved him (personal trainer hangup of the week) Jade demonstrated her love for the handyman with house plants (don’t ask). Lou Carpenter returned from his cruise with a fake insurance-claim-scam-shuffle-board-type neck injury. And Emilia, unable to forget the classroom kiss with her former beloved Michael, dumped a broken hearted and increasingly curly headed Lucas Fitzgerald.

Last week on Neighbours…

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed smirking smarmy doctors, Valentine’s Day celebrations, traffic light parties, the discovery of a portal to a c.2005 bikini plot-line, yet more personal trainer/handyman relationship angst (don’t worry I’m sure there’ll be more next week) and some rather dodgy mimed singing at Charlies. You also missed…

Toilet flashbacks and reluctant confessions

The surfer-dude English teacher Michael Williams began to experience flashbacks of the catching-Summer-cheating-in-the-loos-during-an-English-exam-prior-to-collapsing-from-a-perforated-ulcer kind much to the dismay of Fringe Girl who’d finally put aside her feelings of guilt and had hoped Michael’s 2 minute amnesia was a long term thing.

After some oddly Aussie/Scottish accented “hoe could yooze dorb Summer en after the lays yooze torld Tesh aboat her mam?” confrontations, Michael (who’s still harbouring secrets of the brother-in-law/sister-in-law-naked-adult-shenanigans-in-the-back-of-the-Sandman-while-wife-was-drowning and more recent kissing-aforementioned-sister-in-law-even-though-she’s-dating-a-best-mate kind) decided not to dob her in but advised the would be Lois Lane that she could either:

(a) go to university, study journalism and forge a successful award winning career but be tormented and consumed by the terrible, terrible guilt of what she had done for the rest of her life (which would probably be quite short given the psychological and physical effects such terrible, terrible guilt would have on her) or

(b) confess all, scuppering her Eden Uni dreams (probably no bad thing as nobody ever seems to complete their studies at Eden Uni) but live the rest of her life with a clear conscience.

After confessing all to a sympathetic Susan, Summer later headed to the office of the head teacher Priya the bore… sorry, Kapoor… and has now gone off to visit her vaguely unhinged but oddly missed ex step-nan Lyn.

First date jitters

Having accidentally asked Aiden out (long story) a nervous Chris Pappas went mini golfing with the floppy haired gay nurse. And despite a brief interruption from a tantrum throwing Tash (she’d learned of Summer’s cheating and has vowed never to forgive Summer for allowing her to think she’d played some part in her father’s stress related stomach ulcer collapse with all the fake pregnancy/dating a slimy gardener/online topless photos/graffiti/selling treasured Bad Love albums to fund a nose/job-near death swimming pool antics/genealogical research type grief she’d put him through) the pair are all set for a second date.

Baby woes

Sonya, the green fingered recovering something-or-other spent an afternoon peeing on pregnancy test sticks in the desperate hope that her beloved had knocked her up. But alas he had not. Oh the what-if-all-the-something-or-other-I-did-in-the-past-has-rendered-me-incapable-of-having-any-more-children? bemoanings that followed. Oh the maybe-I’m-too-old-to-have-a-baby-at-30 type manic mutterings that ensued. Oh the pointless ponderings of one viewer over who was running the nursery while all this peeing on sticks was going on. In a desperate bid to shut his beloved up Toadie has suggested they both take a fertility test (sorry, that should have come with a warning).

And finally…

Paul “avast me hearties” Robinson went to Port Douglas to search for his frizzy haired niece Kate Ramsay and engage in a bit of experimental exposed vest wearing. Well, one thing led to another which led to the pissing off of  the local police, the feeding of opportunist back-packers, lost wallets, the increasingly overused-of-late I’m-listening-to-my-ipod-and-am-totally-oblivious-to-all-conversation-and-hollering plot device, the attempted theft of a boat, phone conversations with stroppy younger sisters and the eventual uniting of Kate with her one-legged uncle.

Having been told by Sophie that Mrs K has agreed to become her new guardian (she hasn’t) and will no longer be cast into an orphanage by Roz the social worker (she will), Kate has decided to put her own happiness first for a change and head off to Vietnam with her new beloved Dominic, much to the dismay of the evil hotelier/newspaper owner. What was that? Didn’t Kate put her own happiness first when she asked Andrew to delete Summer’s time-lapse footage of her grief induced kiss with Noah which ultimately resulted in the zombie loving student’s English exam revision meltdown, shameful cheating and crushed uni dreams? Err… yes.

Neighbours: Now and Then

Now

Paul learned of Kyle and Callum’s Dial-a-Kyle flyer scam and demanded reimbursement from the handyman and the immediate resignation of the secretly chuffed paperboy (short-lived chuffedness as he’s now been employed by his mum on the nursery).

Emilia the beautician/hairdresser/part time naked model for arty-type photos twigged that the surfer-dude English teacher Michael was still hopelessly besotted with her and after a brief heart-to-heart shared a passionate classroom kiss with her former beloved.

There was yet more handyman/personal trainer angst when Jade informed Kyle that he was a pushover especially where Kate and dying plants were concerned (don’t ask).

Thelma and Louise began their carefree holiday in Port Douglas. Erin enjoyed sun, sand and naked adult shenanigans with a barman, while a frizzy haired Kate (what’s going on there?) embarked on a Mills and Boon type you’re-a-cocky-prat-of-a-tour-guide-who-dropped-my-phone-in-a-swimming-pool-conveniently-leaving-me-completely-cut-off-from-any-younger-sister-strife-at-home-but-despite-all-this-I-desire-you-anyway romance.

Sophie conned her way into helping her oddly Scottish/Aussie accented cousin film a video for Red Cotton in Erinsborough High and ended up trashing the girls’ loos (a minor how-could-my-sister-leave-without-saying-goodbye-even-though-I-hate-her-but-really-still-love-her-abandonment-issue-type-meltdown). Impressed with the final angry teen video footage Red Cotton hired Andrew as their manager (cue how-could-you-exploit-your-cousin-yet-again-don’t-you-want-to-go-to-uni-outrage from Summer and way-doornt-yooze-ever-sapport-me-woman exasperation from Andrew) while Sophie, after some rather expensive laws-of-physics-defying bass playing (long story) was expelled from school and, thanks to Dr Smug, is to be packed off to an orphanage by Roz the social worker unless Uncle Peg Leg can track Kate down. Thankfully Paul found Kate’s Apple laptop (other brands are available, thought not in Erinsborough) which rather conveniently brought up her travel arrangements when he logged on.

And Sonya and Toadie engaged in a bit of baby-making secretary/lawyer role play at the firm of big shot lawyers and were naturally caught in the act by Toadie’s new boss Charlotte. Keen to make it back into Charlotte’s good books Toadie worked late and joined in with the firm’s policy of fun Friday partying, much to the dismay and annoyance of his ovulating and keen to re-decorate green fingered beloved who, in a fit of frenzied decorating rage, accidentally bashed a hole in the wall.

Then (16 January 2007)

Mad Max has escaped the mental hospital, hopped on a bus and vanished into the night leaving behind his bereft family. Four new people moved into Number 30: the former nightclubbing nun’s sister Rosie (a lawyer who works with Toadie), a backpacker named Will (who has more money than he’s letting on), and a couple who are pretending to be engaged – Pepper (PE teacher and daughter of the only policeman in Erinsborough) and Frazer (a professional gambler). All highly intriguing. The odd cousin of Carmella who befriended the pregnant Sky in hospital is still acting a bit deranged. Stingray has turned back to the bottle. Carmella made a desperate play for the plank of wood known as Ned much to the annoyance of Katya, the former glamour model of Tibetan roots, who has claimed Ned as her own. And Harold, having taken an interest in Janelle’s mother, is back on the dating scene (shudder).

Despicable? Moi?

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed conception calendars, burst beanbags, disturbing put-you-off-your-tea teenage snogging and strewth-it’s-hot-type acting. You also missed…

The continuing saga of the dastardly doctor

An angry Dr K confronted the dastardly Dr Lawson and told him he hadn’t appreciated being used as part of the smarmy doctor’s plan to get shot of Erin and was going to inform Jessica, the head of the surgeon training programme, of his despicable deviousness. “So justice was done, Erin was reinstated and the smug doctor’s evil Robinsonesque plan ultimately thwarted?” Err… no. Lawson responded to Karl’s accusation with a wounded “how could you think me capable of such dastardly doings?” and immediately cast doubt in the gullible doctor’s mind. “No!” Afraid so.

Well one thing led to another which led to mopey coffee drinking, an enlightening chat with the former dancer/former disgraced trainee teacher/part time assistant in Harold’s/part time party girl, another threat to reveal all and pleadings of the this-is-my-sick-wheelchair-bound-mother-who-I’ve-had-to-look-after-since-I-was-a-lad-pleeease-don’t-dob-me-in-as-I’ve-got-to-become-a-surgeon-as-soon-as-possible-so-that-I-can-create-a-world-where-there-are-no-more-sick-wheelchair-bound-mothers kind. Alas, the soft-hearted Dr K didn’t dob him in but suggested to Jessica that it would do the young doctor good to wait a year before being admitted on to the surgeon training programme. “And?” Oh she set Rhys some test, he aced it and she let him on the programme immediately.

Tearful farewells

The fluffy Kennedy pooch Audrey passed away (very sad) and was laid to rest with great solemnity at Sonya’s Nursery after a brief bit of farce involving a cool box, canine body snatching, refuse collectors and bribery (don’t ask).

Bag packing

Kate and Erin became friends and rather than plot how to exact their revenge on the smarmy Doctor Lawson (vaguely disappointing) discussed heading off to live on a beach somewhere and leaving their everyday worries and responsibilities behind. And after yet more sullen sisterly snubbing Kate has done just that and without so much as a farewell text.

Inconvenient dumping

Sophie decided Corey wasn’t the boy for her after all (turned out he wasn’t into her kind of music, liked geeky online dragon quest computer games and was basically Callum) but after a bit of oddly Scottish/Aussie accented bribery continued to date him so as not to scupper Andrew’s dream of managing Corey’s big bro’s band Red Cotton. Alas, the guilt became too much for the bass playing Sophie and she confessed all to a crushed Corey who immediately told his older brother thus ending her cousin’s latest get-rich-quick scheme (hmm, I haven’t used ‘thus’ since 1997).

A new regime

Priya Kapoor was appointed as the new head teacher of Erinsborough High and immediately set about reversing the former Surfer-dude head’s laid back “call me Mike” type policies, cancelled Mr Fitzgerald’s leave to visit his brother and enrolled her young Bollywood loving daughter Rani at the school.

And finally…

Lucas decided to tell Emilia that he loved her unaware that his best mate Michael had earlier confessed feelings of besottedness to his beloved under a school desk (long story). Struggling to suppress her own feelings of besottedness for the former head teacher, the beautician/hairdresser/naked model for arty-type photos flashed a ‘that’s nice’ smile at the disappointed mechanic and the following day, after a bit of outdoor pondering of the musical-interlude-with-a-bit-of-interspersed-spurned-jogging kind, met Michael at Lassiters Lake and told him that she reciprocated his goofy smile inducing feelings.

But having since learned of the true depth of Lucas’s besottedness for his sister-in-law, Michael decided he couldn’t break the heart of his best and non-imaginary mate (anyone else miss Ritchie?) and told Emilia that she had totally misinterpreted his earlier declarations of besottedness and was sorry if he’d misled her. So Emila has decided to stick with Lucas and though unable to tell him that she loves him has done the next best thing – given him the keys to her place. What was that? Yes it probably would mean more if he knew where she lived.