Last week on Neighbours…

18 Sep

Jim the builder is clinging on, just. In an attempt to cheer his wife up Dr Karl Kennedy took over from the smarmy Dr Rhys as Jim’s attending physician. Susan, who has spent the week saying “Jim” rather a lot, bringing in baskets of goodies to cheer “Jim” up and reading the footy news to “Jim” as though she were reading bedside stories to a child named “Jim”, was proper made up for “Jim” as she didn’t like the way the smarmy and uncaring Dr Rhys had been looking after “Jim”. Alas, Dr K, who hasn’t been to the gym for a while, told her that “Jim” was far to sick to visit some childhood home in Anglesea, a lifelong dream Susan…I mean “Jim”… wants to fulfill before he dies. Susan, upon hearing the news about “Jim” rushed to comfort “Jim”. Hand holding in an absolutely non-romantic way progressed to rather shocking hugs and forehead kissing in an absolutely non-romantic way, all of which was secretly witnessed by a jealous and seething Karl who later refused to administer extra and potentially life threatening pain killers to a surprisingly robust and healthy looking “Jim”, despite Susan’s whining. Disappointed by her horrid husband’s uncaring attitude Susan turned to the handsome and lovely Dr Rhys who was sure to ease the suffering of her beloved “Jim”. Unmoved, Dr Rhys told her to sod off.

After discovering that his oddly accented son had turned his “hoose” into a “horstel” for backpackers, the evil hotelier with a limp, Paul Robinson, decided to teach him a lesson. He cunningly led Andrew to believe he was getting him an “ooodi” for his 18th birthday and then presented him with an old VW beetle formerly owned by Pickles the Clown.

Hell appeared to have frozen over briefly when Paul offered a drink and parenting advice to his nemesis, Michael the increasingly forlorn surfer dude head teacher who’d had a fling with his wife, Rebecca (though to be fair their marriage was going through a bit of a rough patch after the cheating, balcony pushing and blackmailing). Parenting advice from a man with a banged up son who once blew up a plane full of Ramsay Street residents and attempted to shoot his father dead, a spoiled daughter who once conned him out of his hotel and house and blew up a former nightclubbing nun’s veggy van out of petty jealousy, and a son with dubious morals and a dubious accent? Hmm.

After a night of partaying, Tash the prawn, determined to have some fun with her friends before being packed off to boarding school, suggested she, Andrew, Summer and Chris go for a dip in Toadie’s pool. One thing led to another, which led to some shoving, head bashing, extreme dampness, life saving, split screen craziness, an ambulance, Erinsborough Hospital (where most things tend to lead these days), strangely for Neighbours absolutely no amnesia, some odd drowning at sea dreams, some odd drowning at sea flashbacks and an even more forlorn and rather guilty looking Michael. Intriguing.

Jade decided that the only way of getting over Kyle the handyman was to get under Kyle the handyman. Naked adult shenanigans with absolutely no emotional messy relationship type strings attached ensued in the bedroom and later the kitchen floor. Alas, Jade is still hopelessly besotted while Kyle is just chuffed to be having naked adult shenanigans with absolutely no emotional messy relationship type strings attached.

And finally… Lucas, the wealthy mechanic and giver of electric guitars to increasingly sullen teenagers named Sophie, dumped Michelle the chatty flaky florist after she started planning a romantic getaway for the pair. Lucas thought Michelle had taken it all rather well. Alas, he didn’t witness the slightly manic fist clenching, a hint of bunny-boiling madness about the eyes, and the sad demise of Mr Watson the dolphin statue.

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