Archive | December, 2011

Last week on Neighbours…

19 Dec
Neighbours

Lost in translation

Kate the former dancer/trainee teacher/assistant in Harold’s reluctantly went to Charlie‘s to watch her younger sister Sophie play her first gig with the floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming Noah as part of some “Save PirateNet” rally. All was going surprisingly well guitar strumming wise and Noah finally seemed to have accepted that the kiss hadn’t meant a thing, Kate didn’t love him and nothing was ever going to happen between them, when she told the behatted boy she was sorry how she’d treated him over the past few weeks and could they start again? What was that? Did Ark Boy somehow misinterpret her words as “I’m sorry for playing so hard to get over the past few weeks, I was a fool, I love you and do you still have that bottle of lotion?” Well funnily enough he did.

Kate Ramsay

Keen to have some time alone with his beloved, Noah asked the unsuspecting Kate to accompany him to his van to give him a hand unloading “The Beast”. What was that? No, it’s the name he’s given his large amplifier. Pardon? No, that’s not a euphemism either. Well one thing led, as it so often does, to another which led to poor lifting technique, an attempted kiss, a horrified Kate, a confused Noah, angry arm waving, a lurking and suspicious younger sister, the secret serenading of Kate in public by an undeterred Noah, an even more suspicious younger sister, the discovery of sketches of her older sister, a broken heart, regret over nose piercing, sisterly hugs and absolutely no mention of grief stricken snogging, which was probably for the best really.

Cruel fate, crushed dreams and wheelchair-bound mothers

The ambitious Dr Rhys Lawson’s dreams of becoming a surgeon were left in tatters after falling victim to cruel fate of the changing-the-date-of-the-surgeon-programme-interview-pre-occupied-horny-personal-trainer-and-latin-music-fitness-regime-embracing-house-mate-doubles-buying-revenge kind (long story). Having turned up late and hungover for his interview, the panel of surgeons were less than impressed and not even Dr Lawson’s smarmy smile could win them over.

English: No. 26, Ramsay Street from TV show, N...

Oh the crushed dreams. Oh the bitter personal trainer/smarmy surgeon put downs. Oh how was he going to tell his doting, chronically ill, wheelchair bound mother of his failure? What was that? You didn’t know Dr Lawson had a doting, chronically ill, wheelchair bound mother and who could possibly fall for such a blatantly manipulative attempt by the scriptwriters to create viewer sympathy for the smarmy, shallow doctor? Quite. Alas, the caring, complex and deeply misunderstood Doctor Rhys couldn’t bring himself to tell his sick mother the truth, allowing her to believe that he’d been accepted onto the training programme and would soon become a world class surgeon. Poor Dr Lawson.

Other Stuff

Lucas decided not to sell the garage, temporarily scuppering the proposed shopping centre development and the funding of Lou’s around the world cruise (don’t ask) and causing Toadie to have a minor broken-couch-meltdown (again, don’t ask).

The convalescing surfer-dude head teacher Michael reluctantly allowed the rather attractive Serbian beautician/hairdresser Emilia to take care of him so that Tash could concentrate on her exams but once again warned her that his daughter must never discover the full and terrible truth about the day her mother drowned.

And Dr Karl Kennedy, having spotted Malcolm and Jade canoodling in a bus shelter, later confronted his son and the personal trainer and demanded they end the affair for such things would only lead (as he knew from personal experience) to tears, heartache and perhaps the conceiving of a baby following sleep-medication-induced naked adult shenanigans with your former mistress having mistaken them for your former wife.

And finally…

There’s no more Neighbours until the 16th January. Until then, have a very happy Christmas and thanks for visiting over the past few months.

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Please Sir, can I go to the toilet?

11 Dec
Neighbours

Okay, we’ve all been there. Your zombie loving, do-gooding beloved is feeling down in the dumps because they’ve managed to get the local youth radio station shut down after broadcasting unsubstantiated claims of dodgy council dealings over some shopping centre complex and you want to cheer them up by finishing off their rather dull report about some History Wall painting project which they’re submitting as part of an application for a journalist degree. You take advantage of your evil one legged media mogul/hotelier/failed-recruiter-of-now-sacked-insolent-Polish-cleaners-named-Lorraine-to-spy-on-councillors-named-Ajay-Kapoor father’s offer to use the local newspaper’s cutting edge editing suit, not questioning why he wasted his money on software for editing film footage when he runs a newspaper, when, shock horror, you discover that the time-lapse film of the History Wall painting contains footage of your former dancer/assistant in Harold’s/trainee teacher cousin pashing your slightly odd, floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming classmate.

You have a quiet word with your aforementioned cousin in the most public of places and despite your odd Scottish/Aussie accent getting vaguely unintelligible when anxious your cousin catches the gist of what you’re saying and tells you that your beloved can’t possibly use the film as it’ll end their hopes of becoming a teacher. You explain that the speeded up film of wet paint drying is the only way your zombie loving do-gooding significant other can get onto the journalist course, but your cousin couldn’t care less. So you attempt to edit out the pashing section of the time-lapse film, which rather oddly and most inexplicably slows right down at the point of the kiss, but it doesn’t look quite right… not remotely terrible, but not perfect. However, the alternative is to delete the entire film which wouldn’t go down too well with your beloved. So the choice is simple. No-brainer really.

Promotional photo of Boris Karloff from The Br...

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Having explained to Summer that he’d “accidentally” deleted the entire film footage (l know, I know – take it up with the script writers) Andrew’s beloved had a major Frankenstein revising meltdown and in desperation photographed her post-it-note quotes on her phone and left it in some air vent type thing in the school loos so that she could sneakily refer to them during an emergency mid-exam toilet break. Alas one thing led to another which led to vibrating phones, questionable hygiene, hysterical pleadings, perforated stomach ulcers, collapsing loopy-pill-popping-slightly-weird-about-kormas-jealous-of-hand-holding-mechanics-and-rather-attractive-Serbian-beauticians/hairdressers-surfer-dude head teachers, hospital, gay nurses, guilt, anxious waiting and, thankfully for Summer, a minor case of two-minute amnesia. Yep, Michael doesn’t remember discovering Summer’s cheating.

And finally…

Callum’s attempts to get out of his parent-enforced, pay-towards-the-extra-broad-band-required-for-your-online-dragon-quest-game-yourself-you-lazy-little-sod-lesson-teaching paper round were bested by the presumably still green-fingered, recovering something-or-other and less-annoying-of-late Sonya.

Jade and the married Malcolm Kennedy continued to have naked-adult-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached, apart from a temporary blip when the increasingly smarmy doctor’s son sent her some flowers. The personal trainer, thinking the flowers were from Kyle the absent handyman (the man she secretly loves but is afraid to admit she loves) was proper made up until she discovered Mal had sent them. Unimpressed, she explained to the horny pig keeper that the sending of flowers seriously contravened the whole adult-naked-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached arrangement and must never happen again.

And what of the floppy hatted, guitar strumming Noah and Kate?” you ask. Well, having somehow magicked himself out of Harold’s when Sophie turned up, he then invited himself to Sophie’s welcome-back-from-music-camp dinner and attempted to con Kate into accompanying Sophie and himself to some guitar strumming gig. “So Noah still hasn’t got the message?” Err, not really no, though Kate foiled his fiendish plan by having Lou accompany him and her sister to the gig instead. What was that? Yes, you’re quite right, ‘magicked’ is an odd looking word.

Previously on Neighbours…

4 Dec

Radio station protests

Having managed to get PirateNet shut down by Erinsborough Council with her broadcastings of alleged dodgy shopping centre deals (not helped by the devious reporting of the evil and cunning Sir Limpalot) the zombie loving, do-gooding Summer Hoyland offered the council an ultimatum: allow PirateNet to broadcast again or she and her fellow year 12 classmates would miss their English exam. The hard-ass council couldn’t have cared less (me neither) and Summer, having been abandoned by her more sensible classmates and her oddly Aussie/Scottish accented boyfriend Andrew, finally admitted defeat and ambled forlornly to the exam with but minutes to spare.

The worst 18th birthday ever?

Despite having been advised by the loopy, damp dead wife seeing, therapist visiting, pill popping surfer-dude head teacher Michael to stay away from his daughter, the rather attractive beautician/hairdresser Emilia Jovanovic turned up during the middle of Tash’s 18th birthday celebrations, having earlier been wooed by the romantic and smooth chested mechanic Lucas in the back of his van (long story). A reluctant Michael eventually agreed to allow Emilia to stay and all was going surprisingly swimmingly until Tash received a copy of her mum’s death certificate on her swanky new i-phone and discovered that swimming wasn’t one of her mother’s strong points. Turned out the Serbian former beauty queen had drowned trying to save Tash (very sad).

What was that? You’re glad that’s all over? They can finally move on with their lives and forge a stronger father/daughter bond that will last a lifetime? Err… probably not as Michael later met Emilia and told her that Tash must never know the full and dreadful truth about what happened that awful day. What was it? Well judging from a brief moment of supportive hand holding in a non-romantic way that could hint at past hand holding in a romantic way (not an easy thing to convey) the surfer-dude head and the rather attractive beautician/hairdresser may have once been more than just brother and sister-in-law. Then again it could have been just badly acted supportive hand holding in a non-romantic way and mean absolutely nothing.

Waxed chests, body lotion and major misunderstandings

Romance continued to blossom between Lucas and Emilia despite an attempt by Michael to convince him that she couldn’t be trusted. Concerned for her sensitive skinned beloved’s recently waxed chest Emilia brought over a gift wrapped bottle of soothing body lotion. Well, one thing led to another which led, surprisingly, to a line or two for Lou without a Sid James impression, Kate thinking the lotion was from Ark Boy, indignant marching in Little Red Riding Hood outfits to school (don’t ask), the putting of the gift wrapped lotion in Noah’s guitar case, the witnessing of such actions by a once more be-hatted Noah, interpretations of such body lotion giving as a declaration of love and a whole new level of besotted grinning (with a bit of creepy lurking in the kitchen of Harold’s after closing time thrown in for good measure).

Didn’t Kate explain to him about the lotion?” you ask. She did. She also told him she felt nothing, the kiss had been a terrible, terrible mistake, didn’t mean a thing and would he please sod off as nothing was ever going to happen… pretty much everything she’d told him before. “And?” Bit of a communication breakdown I’m afraid. “How so?” Well, he heard something along the lines of “Noah, I love you, this all feels so, so right and when you finish school in a few weeks we shall engage in naked adult/teenage shenanigans together… oh and bring the lotion”. “Oh dear.” Quite. Alas, just as she was about to try and explain things to him again Sophie knocked on the door of Harold’s and asked to be let in. “She’s returned from music camp?” She has, with a new hairdo. “So the damned guitar strumming will resume again?” I suspect so.

And finally…

Minor details for non-watchers to casually mention when blagging their way through a conversation with their tad suspicious Neighbours obsessed boss, colleagues, kids or students:

Cute rat.

Does Chris ever stop eating?

I’d have pelted Callum with the eggs if he’d asked.