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If a woman brings you cupcakes be afraid… be very afraid

28 May

Neighbours

Missed Neighbours over the past few weeks? Then you missed the return of Sophie to Erinsborough High, Aiden and Chris’s first blink-or-you’ll-miss-it onscreen kiss, sporty BMW’s, the demise of the Clown Mobile, the breakup of the do-gooding Summer and the oddly Aussie/Scottish accented Andrew, barmaid rivalry, jamming doctors, drumming Councillors, band manager hair, personal trainer birthday celebrations and puppy giving. You also missed…

Revelations, resignations and top notch trembly hand acting

Paul Robinson (Neighbours)

The evil one legged media mogul’s cunning plan to invite half of Erinsborough to Tash’s “I’m-so-happy-my-father-has-left-me” party using a fictitious Facebook account, pretend to phone the police when things got out of hand and publish a report bemoaning how the police’s failure to turn up had resulted in life-threatening sofa-on-the-lawn-toilet-paper-party-anarchy and would never have happened if Councillor Ajay Kapoor hadn’t turned the local police station into a community centre, came undone after his own intrepid reporter, Susan Kennedy, twigged what he had done and, despite a brief bit of pleading and devious blackmail, revealed all. Well, one thing led to another which oddly enough didn’t lead to the swearing of I-will-have-my-revenge-for-such-treachery-type oaths but did lead to the resignation of Paul “Murdoch” Robinson as editor, a promotion for Mrs K, sneaky scarf wearing journalistic spyings, sackings, official warnings, late night typings, missed meditations, IT issues, impending deadlines and the return of Susan’s MS. What was that? You thought the writers had forgotten all about Susan’s MS? Ye of little faith.

Natasha Williams (Neighbours)Looming homelessness and dodgy accounting

Having learned that her surfer-dude dad has decided to sell the house (not the most obvious way to mend father/daughter relations but there you go), Tash, the former Mathlete/uni student/hopeful candidate for the barmaid job at Charlie’s, and her new part-time house mates, Chris and Aiden, attempted to put off potential buyers with the aid of some damp towels, fake viewers and laws of physics defying guitar playing (don’t ask).

Lou Carpenter

Kate, the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher/part-time assistant in Harold’s/other hopeful candidate for the barmaid job at Charlie’s, discovered that Lou had stolen $8000 from the Dial-a-Kyle business to pay off his cruise. After pleadings from Lou not to reveal all Kate explained away the deficit to her beloved Kyle (she still gazes at him longingly) as inept Carpenter-type-accountancy and has taken over the handyman’s books in order to sneakily help a repentant job seeking Lou pay back the money.

Baby woes

Sonya Mitchell

The tearful green-fingered smock wearing Sonya decided to give up on her dreams of having a baby with her spermalogically challenged beloved following (a) a terrifying premonition that their child would bear a striking resemblance to a wombat or (b) yet another negative pregnancy test (delete as appropriate).

Lucas Fitzgerald

And Vanessa, the woman that Lucas one-night-standed a few weeks ago, returned to give the floppy haired mechanic a box of cupcakes and inform him that he was going to be a dad (presumably some strange Aussie tradition). Naturally Fitzgerald took the news well, took to the open roads on his bike, refused to accept he was the father, accused her of trying to con him out of his vast fortune, accidentally scuppered her chances of being hired by Limpalot as the new Lassiter’s chef (long story) and then took to the open roads on his bike… again. Unimpressed by Lucas’s unchivalrous behaviour the homeless, jobless, fiery and rather attractive Vanessa told the virile mechanic that she wanted nothing more to do with him and then promptly accepted Kate’s invitation to move into Number 24.

Snort of derision of the month: From my wife actually – when the impeccably dressed, perfectly made-up, flawlessly coiffured Vanessa professed to have been living in her car.

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A Quick Neighbours Recap

25 Mar

There were high perm counts, low sperm counts, cutting apron put downs and some oddly Aussie/Scottish accented “given epp ezz nort yer stale” motivational type dialogue that should have come with subtitles.

Sophie Ramsay

Callum Jones

Having given up hope that her older sister would return to save her from a life in foster care, Sophie fled Ramsay Street to live under the bed of Rani Kapoor (presumably a short term plan) unaware that her aforesaid sister had scrapped her travel plans and ended her holiday romance after receiving an email from Callum, pretending to be Sophie, with pleadings of the I’m-sorry-for-being-such-a-brat-please-come-home-and-or-I’ll-be-thrown-into-an-orphanage kind. Alas, the runaway sullen purple highlighted nose-ringed bass playing teenager was soon found and dragged back home by her one-legged and less evil-of-late uncle Limpalot.

Kate Ramsay

Kate returned to the street where a friendly wave each morning helps to make a better day and was immediately greeted with tantrums of the like-I-care-that-you-came-back-or-I-go-into-foster-care kind (yes who else) and angry how-could-you-take-off-without-a-word-to-your-mates kind (Kyle, much to the delight of a jealous Jade who feared he still held a torch for the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher) but after a bit of picture gazing a tearful sisterly reconciliation ensued. Sophie has now been permanently palmed off onto Paul, who despite his criminal record, is set to become her legal guardian, allowing Kate to live a life free of substitute-motherly type responsibilities and party all the live long day in her new short dresses/long tops.

Lou Carpenter

Toadie learned he was spermalogically challenged prompting the brief return of the house of trouser and a shortage of tinned tuna (long story). Summer Hoyland decided to resit Year 12 in order to keep her journalistic dreams alive. Unable to tell Kyle that she loved him (personal trainer hangup of the week) Jade demonstrated her love for the handyman with house plants (don’t ask). Lou Carpenter returned from his cruise with a fake insurance-claim-scam-shuffle-board-type neck injury. And Emilia, unable to forget the classroom kiss with her former beloved Michael, dumped a broken hearted and increasingly curly headed Lucas Fitzgerald.

Last week on Neighbours…

18 Mar

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed smirking smarmy doctors, Valentine’s Day celebrations, traffic light parties, the discovery of a portal to a c.2005 bikini plot-line, yet more personal trainer/handyman relationship angst (don’t worry I’m sure there’ll be more next week) and some rather dodgy mimed singing at Charlies. You also missed…

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

Summer Hoyland

Toilet flashbacks and reluctant confessions

The surfer-dude English teacher Michael Williams began to experience flashbacks of the catching-Summer-cheating-in-the-loos-during-an-English-exam-prior-to-collapsing-from-a-perforated-ulcer kind much to the dismay of Fringe Girl who’d finally put aside her feelings of guilt and had hoped Michael’s 2 minute amnesia was a long term thing.

After some oddly Aussie/Scottish accented “hoe could yooze dorb Summer en after the lays yooze torld Tesh aboat her mam?” confrontations, Michael (who’s still harbouring secrets of the brother-in-law/sister-in-law-naked-adult-shenanigans-in-the-back-of-the-Sandman-while-wife-was-drowning and more recent kissing-aforementioned-sister-in-law-even-though-she’s-dating-a-best-mate kind) decided not to dob her in but advised the would be Lois Lane that she could either:

(a) go to university, study journalism and forge a successful award winning career but be tormented and consumed by the terrible, terrible guilt of what she had done for the rest of her life (which would probably be quite short given the psychological and physical effects such terrible, terrible guilt would have on her) or

(b) confess all, scuppering her Eden Uni dreams (probably no bad thing as nobody ever seems to complete their studies at Eden Uni) but live the rest of her life with a clear conscience.

After confessing all to a sympathetic Susan, Summer later headed to the office of the head teacher Priya the bore… sorry, Kapoor… and has now gone off to visit her vaguely unhinged but oddly missed ex step-nan Lyn.

Chris Pappas

First date jitters

Having accidentally asked Aiden out (long story) a nervous Chris Pappas went mini golfing with the floppy haired gay nurse. And despite a brief interruption from a tantrum throwing Tash (she’d learned of Summer’s cheating and has vowed never to forgive Summer for allowing her to think she’d played some part in her father’s stress related stomach ulcer collapse with all the fake pregnancy/dating a slimy gardener/online topless photos/graffiti/selling treasured Bad Love albums to fund a nose/job-near death swimming pool antics/genealogical research type grief she’d put him through) the pair are all set for a second date.

Sonya Mitchell

Baby woes

Sonya, the green fingered recovering something-or-other spent an afternoon peeing on pregnancy test sticks in the desperate hope that her beloved had knocked her up. But alas he had not. Oh the what-if-all-the-something-or-other-I-did-in-the-past-has-rendered-me-incapable-of-having-any-more-children? bemoanings that followed. Oh the maybe-I’m-too-old-to-have-a-baby-at-30 type manic mutterings that ensued. Oh the pointless ponderings of one viewer over who was running the nursery while all this peeing on sticks was going on. In a desperate bid to shut his beloved up Toadie has suggested they both take a fertility test (sorry, that should have come with a warning).

Paul Robinson (Neighbours)

And finally…

Paul “avast me hearties” Robinson went to Port Douglas to search for his frizzy haired niece Kate Ramsay and engage in a bit of experimental exposed vest wearing. Well, one thing led to another which led to the pissing off of  the local police, the feeding of opportunist back-packers, lost wallets, the increasingly overused-of-late I’m-listening-to-my-ipod-and-am-totally-oblivious-to-all-conversation-and-hollering plot device, the attempted theft of a boat, phone conversations with stroppy younger sisters and the eventual uniting of Kate with her one-legged uncle.

Port Douglas, Queensland

Having been told by Sophie that Mrs K has agreed to become her new guardian (she hasn’t) and will no longer be cast into an orphanage by Roz the social worker (she will), Kate has decided to put her own happiness first for a change and head off to Vietnam with her new beloved Dominic, much to the dismay of the evil hotelier/newspaper owner. What was that? Didn’t Kate put her own happiness first when she asked Andrew to delete Summer’s time-lapse footage of her grief induced kiss with Noah which ultimately resulted in the zombie loving student’s English exam revision meltdown, shameful cheating and crushed uni dreams? Err… yes.

Neighbours: Now and Then

11 Mar

Paul Robinson (Neighbours)Now

Paul learned of Kyle and Callum’s Dial-a-Kyle flyer scam and demanded reimbursement from the handyman and the immediate resignation of the secretly chuffed paperboy (short-lived chuffedness as he’s now been employed by his mum on the nursery).

Emilia the beautician/hairdresser/part time naked model for arty-type photos twigged that the surfer-dude English teacher Michael was still hopelessly besotted with her and after a brief heart-to-heart shared a passionate classroom kiss with her former beloved.

There was yet more handyman/personal trainer angst when Jade informed Kyle that he was a pushover especially where Kate and dying plants were concerned (don’t ask).

Kate Ramsay

Thelma and Louise began their carefree holiday in Port Douglas. Erin enjoyed sun, sand and naked adult shenanigans with a barman, while a frizzy haired Kate (what’s going on there?) embarked on a Mills and Boon type you’re-a-cocky-prat-of-a-tour-guide-who-dropped-my-phone-in-a-swimming-pool-conveniently-leaving-me-completely-cut-off-from-any-younger-sister-strife-at-home-but-despite-all-this-I-desire-you-anyway romance.

Sophie Ramsay

Sophie conned her way into helping her oddly Scottish/Aussie accented cousin film a video for Red Cotton in Erinsborough High and ended up trashing the girls’ loos (a minor how-could-my-sister-leave-without-saying-goodbye-even-though-I-hate-her-but-really-still-love-her-abandonment-issue-type-meltdown). Impressed with the final angry teen video footage Red Cotton hired Andrew as their manager (cue how-could-you-exploit-your-cousin-yet-again-don’t-you-want-to-go-to-uni-outrage from Summer and way-doornt-yooze-ever-sapport-me-woman exasperation from Andrew) while Sophie, after some rather expensive laws-of-physics-defying bass playing (long story) was expelled from school and, thanks to Dr Smug, is to be packed off to an orphanage by Roz the social worker unless Uncle Peg Leg can track Kate down. Thankfully Paul found Kate’s Apple laptop (other brands are available, thought not in Erinsborough) which rather conveniently brought up her travel arrangements when he logged on.

Toadfish Rebecchi

And Sonya and Toadie engaged in a bit of baby-making secretary/lawyer role play at the firm of big shot lawyers and were naturally caught in the act by Toadie’s new boss Charlotte. Keen to make it back into Charlotte’s good books Toadie worked late and joined in with the firm’s policy of fun Friday partying, much to the dismay and annoyance of his ovulating and keen to re-decorate green fingered beloved who, in a fit of frenzied decorating rage, accidentally bashed a hole in the wall.

Max Hoyland

Sky Mangel

Carmella Cammeniti

Katya Kinski

Then (16 January 2007)

Mad Max has escaped the mental hospital, hopped on a bus and vanished into the night leaving behind his bereft family. Four new people moved into Number 30: the former nightclubbing nun’s sister Rosie (a lawyer who works with Toadie), a backpacker named Will (who has more money than he’s letting on), and a couple who are pretending to be engaged – Pepper (PE teacher and daughter of the only policeman in Erinsborough) and Frazer (a professional gambler). All highly intriguing. The odd cousin of Carmella who befriended the pregnant Sky in hospital is still acting a bit deranged. Stingray has turned back to the bottle. Carmella made a desperate play for the plank of wood known as Ned much to the annoyance of Katya, the former glamour model of Tibetan roots, who has claimed Ned as her own. And Harold, having taken an interest in Janelle’s mother, is back on the dating scene (shudder).

Previously on Neighbours…

26 Feb

View of Pin Oak Court, (also known as Ramsay S...

Stupid Cupid

The evil one-legged Paul Robinson discovered that his sullen bass playing niece Sophie was seeing a boy named Corey (long story which resulted in yet more I-hate-you-type-sisterly-shouting) and forbade any such future seeings. But his oddly Scottish/Aussie accented son Andrew Robinson, having learnt that Corey’s older brother is a member of Red Cotton, is encouraging the young couple to continue their romance in secret in the hope that this will create an opportunity for him to manage the band and make his fortune.

Chris Pappas

Missed opportunities, sneaky business arrangements, fallings out and resignations

Afraid of jeopardising newly harmonious Greek father/son relations and terrified of entering into his first romantic relationship with a bloke, Chris Pappas turned down a date with Aiden the gay nurse. Alas, just when he’d finally resolved to ask the floppy haired, black eyed nurse out (don’t ask) he discovered Aiden had started dating a barman. Kyle Canning started paying the enterprising Callum to deliver The Erinsborough News with sneakily secreted flyers for his business in an attempt to boost demand for his handyman skills. There was yet more Jade and Kyle relationship angst, this time of the you-blabbed-to-my-sister-about-my-ex-how-could-you? kind (everything’s fine again… for now). And fed up with all the meetings and paperwork Michael Williams resigned as head teacher of Erinsborough High to concentrate on doing what he loves best; actual teaching/surfing all the live long day (delete as appropriate).

Sonya Mitchell

Skip if of a nervous disposition

Sonya, the giant smock wearing, green fingered recovering something-or-other, confessed to an uninterested Jade, a startled Susan, and later her very own beloved Toadie (after some mid afternoon lawyer/plantswoman-naked-adult-shennanigans-of-the-birds-and-the-bees-jumbo-jet-speeding-train-fountains-and-fireworks-montage-kind), that she had thrown away her contraceptive-type-pills away months ago and that despite all the “practising” that had gone on since had failed to become pregnant.

Darcy Tyler

And finally…

The dastardly Doctor Rhys Lawson plummeted new depths of diabolically despicable deviousness in his quest to claim his rightful place on the surgeon training programme. Having ensnared the unsuspecting Erin with his devilishly dazzling good looks he proceeded with the next stage of his cunning plan – to make the poor girl continuously late for lectures by plying her with drink late into the night and altering the alarm clock settings on her phone. “Didn’t Kate, the former dancer/disgraced former trainee teacher/part time assistant in Harold’s/part time party girl, inform Erin of the smarmy doctor’s plan?” you cry. She did. “And?” She slapped him, hard. “So the smug and smarmy doctor was thwarted in his Robinsonesque plan of pure evilness?” Err…not exactly. He told Erin that Kate was a madly jealous ex who couldn’t bare to see the drop dead gorgeous doctor with another woman and would do or say anything to scupper his chances of finding true love again. “And she believed him?” Naturally.

Karl Kennedy

Still, it looked like his efforts had all been in vain as Erin, having been issued with warnings of the turn-up-late-for-a-lecture-again-and-you’re-off-the-programme kind, reluctantly decided to end things with Rhys to focus on her studies. Well, half-hearted dumping led, as it usually does, to late-night-champagne-soaked-sleeve-type-kissing, sleepovers, hasty I’ve-got-to-get-to-a-lecture-and-have-no-time-to-change-and-by-the-way-you’re-dumped-again-farewells, sulking, somebody-reeks-of-champagne-at-work-observations, devious grins and not-so-innocent suggestions to a gullible Dr Kennedy that a certain trainee surgeon may have a drinking problem. “He didn’t?” He did. Jessica, the head of the training programme, later suggested Erin take some time off to sort herself out, the sensitive young doctor had an I-can’t-take-this-anymore-I-quit-trainee-surgeon melt down and Rhys immediately asked whether he could take her place on the programme. “So the smarmy Lawson succeeded in his diabolically despicable and devious plan then?” Looks like it. However, Dr K has now twigged that he was but a pawn in the loathsome Lawson’s scheming and he doesn’t look very happy about it. Not very happy at all.

An exciting, edge of your seat Neighbours recap

30 Oct
Wet Paint

Image by Andreas_MB via Flickr

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed superheroes, Sandys, squids, spies, scientists, Spartacuses (Spartacusi?) and other things beginning with the letter “S”. Apart from that you missed sod all really (hey, another thing beginning with the letter “S”). What with all the “Previously on Neighbours” recaps, musical interludes, flashbacks, daydream sequences, and “Tomorrow on Neighbours” spoilers there wasn’t really much time for plot development.

The finding-and-doing-up-old-cars-on-request business of the oddly Aussie/Scottish accented Andrew Robinson and the sushi-scoffing Chris “Freckles” Pappas (no longer the only gay in Erinsborough) is actually doing well after an iffy start. Even Andrew’s “daaah”, the evil one-legged hotelier, was impressed. Thrilling.

Toadie, still stuck between a rock and a hard place, is experiencing a wide range of emotions (mainly love, guilt and despair), all of which are conveyed by just the one vaguely puzzled facial expression (raised eyebrows and a cross between a grin and a grimace). Thanks to Kyle the handyman’s chest and a flirty gay councillor (long story), Paul Robinson’s cunning plan to delay the new shopping centre by getting some old newspaper office listed (it’s located on the proposed car park site) worked. Toadie’s suspiciously anxious, party-pooping boss Peter, upon learning of the delay, ordered Toadie to leave his green fingered beloved’s “S” themed 30th birthday party at once and come up with a solution to save the development (yes, he threatened to sack him yet again). Toadie’s solution? Build the car park on the site of the Dial-a-Kyle handyman yard, Fitzgerald Motors, the mysterious bric-a-brac/antiques shop and Grease Monkeys, offering the respective business owners a handsome sum in return. How could such a plan fail?

Despite all the threats of sackings, financial ruin and potential pariah-type woes, he and Sonya have decided that once things settle down a bit they’ll (cover your eyes if you’re of a nervous disposition) “try” for a baby and in the meantime (cover your eyes again) “practice”. Alas, Toadie doesn’t know that the manic mac wearing Sonya (who now suddenly wants nothing more in the whole wide world than a baby) has already thrown away her (cover your eyes again) contraceptive pills.

Some of the Erinsborough High kids, having reached new levels of boredom, decided to watch paint dry / paint a giant mural as part of the history wall project (delete as appropriate). The increasingly sullen Sophie Ramsay, twigging that Summer Hoyland was the fictitious year 12 girl that the floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming Noah has a fake secret crush on, kicked a tin of paint over the smug, zombie loving, do-gooder’s boots in a fit of jealous rage (major drama). Jealous paint-kicking-rage led, as it so often does, to nose piercing, yet more sisterly bickering, tedious besotted grinning (Noah at the perceptive-as-ever Kate), jamming in the Collective, aloof I’m-so-not-interested-in-nose-pierced-14-year-old-bass-playing-girls type behaviour from Ark Boy (harsh), the return of Lou Carpenter from East Timor, and yet more broken hearted teenage stroppy tantrums.

And what of Tash and the recently discovered Serbian hair dressing aunt, Emilia Jovanovic, you cry? What father-daughter relationship shattering secrets were finally revealed? What edge of the seat, high emotional drama finally ensued after weeks of intrigue? Well, after the hair and nail appointment a nervous Tash had booked under Chris’ name fell through, she hopped on a bus to a fashion shoot her aunt was working on (luckily a mere 40 minute ride away). In the meantime her surfer dude head teaching father Michael returned home, checked the answering machine and discovered a message from an unrelated Jovanovic Tash had phoned during the search for her grandparents last week. Oh the shock. Oh the horror. Oh what would happen next? Well, Tash arrived at the fashion shoot, was mistaken for one of the models by her aunt, plonked in a chair and… that was it.

Puzzle of the week

How come Sophie, who spent weeks strumming the same tune over and over and over again on her guitar, can now jam along to new tunes with a bass she’s had but a week?

Neighbours Recap Flashback: 8 January 2007

13 Oct

Ok. We travel back in time to the start of 2007…

Carmella the nightclubbing nun has turned her back on God and gone in search of her cousin’s baby which she’d sold ages ago in order to raise money to give to her former boyfriend Connor (the Irish guy who has possibly been murdered by Robert the evil twin son of Paul Robinson) to help him out after he stole money from his own bikini shop and to try and win him back from Harold’s granddaughter Serena who was either a. tragically drowned following a plane crash along with some other unfortunate Ramsay Street residents or b. washed up somewhere suffering from amnesia, like her grandfather Harold Bishop, and living down the road from fellow amnesia sufferer and slightly damp Dee, Toadie’s wife of a few minutes who was given up for dead after Toadie drove off a cliff and plummeted into the sea (never snog your beloved whilst driving).

Unfortunately, it seems her cousin’s baby snuffed it and this has not gone down very well with the cousin who was already in hospital suffering from depression and has now taken an unhealthy interest in Sky’s unborn kid. The aforementioned unborn kid is causing general disharmony amongst the Ramsay Street residents after Sky confessed it wasn’t Dylan’s (the bloke she was going to marry) but his younger brother’s, Stingray. The news wasn’t taken too well. Stingray has been dumped by his girlfriend Rachel Kinski and been kicked out by Janelle Timmins, biological mother of Stingray, Dylan and Janea but not Bree (long story). Without Rachel you can be sure he’ll turn back to the bottle.

Lou is undergoing hypnosis by Dr Karl Kennedy (the only doctor in Erinsborough) in an attempt to figure out why he can’t remember what happened to him in Russia when he went in search of his girlfriend Mishka (wife of a Russian political type prisoner). Brainwashing by the KBG? Alzheimer’s? Or possibly insanity as he’s now falling for Janelle.

Max (who ran over and killed Callum, Paul’s good twin son ,thinking it was Robert, Paul’s evil twin son) is now in a mental health ward after Elle, Paul’s daughter, in a bid to seek revenge for the death of the aforementioned good twin and favourite brother, convinced him that he was mad. Ironically Max had his wife Steph committed when she wouldn’t have treatment for cancer when she was pregnant. There’s a moral there somewhere.

And finally and most disturbingly… Lyn and Paul continue to get closer and it’s all a tad sordid. On the up side Lyn’s dog, Harvey, no longer chews Paul’s wooden leg.