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If a woman brings you cupcakes be afraid… be very afraid

28 May

Neighbours

Missed Neighbours over the past few weeks? Then you missed the return of Sophie to Erinsborough High, Aiden and Chris’s first blink-or-you’ll-miss-it onscreen kiss, sporty BMW’s, the demise of the Clown Mobile, the breakup of the do-gooding Summer and the oddly Aussie/Scottish accented Andrew, barmaid rivalry, jamming doctors, drumming Councillors, band manager hair, personal trainer birthday celebrations and puppy giving. You also missed…

Revelations, resignations and top notch trembly hand acting

Paul Robinson (Neighbours)

The evil one legged media mogul’s cunning plan to invite half of Erinsborough to Tash’s “I’m-so-happy-my-father-has-left-me” party using a fictitious Facebook account, pretend to phone the police when things got out of hand and publish a report bemoaning how the police’s failure to turn up had resulted in life-threatening sofa-on-the-lawn-toilet-paper-party-anarchy and would never have happened if Councillor Ajay Kapoor hadn’t turned the local police station into a community centre, came undone after his own intrepid reporter, Susan Kennedy, twigged what he had done and, despite a brief bit of pleading and devious blackmail, revealed all. Well, one thing led to another which oddly enough didn’t lead to the swearing of I-will-have-my-revenge-for-such-treachery-type oaths but did lead to the resignation of Paul “Murdoch” Robinson as editor, a promotion for Mrs K, sneaky scarf wearing journalistic spyings, sackings, official warnings, late night typings, missed meditations, IT issues, impending deadlines and the return of Susan’s MS. What was that? You thought the writers had forgotten all about Susan’s MS? Ye of little faith.

Natasha Williams (Neighbours)Looming homelessness and dodgy accounting

Having learned that her surfer-dude dad has decided to sell the house (not the most obvious way to mend father/daughter relations but there you go), Tash, the former Mathlete/uni student/hopeful candidate for the barmaid job at Charlie’s, and her new part-time house mates, Chris and Aiden, attempted to put off potential buyers with the aid of some damp towels, fake viewers and laws of physics defying guitar playing (don’t ask).

Lou Carpenter

Kate, the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher/part-time assistant in Harold’s/other hopeful candidate for the barmaid job at Charlie’s, discovered that Lou had stolen $8000 from the Dial-a-Kyle business to pay off his cruise. After pleadings from Lou not to reveal all Kate explained away the deficit to her beloved Kyle (she still gazes at him longingly) as inept Carpenter-type-accountancy and has taken over the handyman’s books in order to sneakily help a repentant job seeking Lou pay back the money.

Baby woes

Sonya Mitchell

The tearful green-fingered smock wearing Sonya decided to give up on her dreams of having a baby with her spermalogically challenged beloved following (a) a terrifying premonition that their child would bear a striking resemblance to a wombat or (b) yet another negative pregnancy test (delete as appropriate).

Lucas Fitzgerald

And Vanessa, the woman that Lucas one-night-standed a few weeks ago, returned to give the floppy haired mechanic a box of cupcakes and inform him that he was going to be a dad (presumably some strange Aussie tradition). Naturally Fitzgerald took the news well, took to the open roads on his bike, refused to accept he was the father, accused her of trying to con him out of his vast fortune, accidentally scuppered her chances of being hired by Limpalot as the new Lassiter’s chef (long story) and then took to the open roads on his bike… again. Unimpressed by Lucas’s unchivalrous behaviour the homeless, jobless, fiery and rather attractive Vanessa told the virile mechanic that she wanted nothing more to do with him and then promptly accepted Kate’s invitation to move into Number 24.

Snort of derision of the month: From my wife actually – when the impeccably dressed, perfectly made-up, flawlessly coiffured Vanessa professed to have been living in her car.

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In no more than 100 words recap last week’s goings-on in Neighbours…

15 Apr

View of Pin Oak Court, (also known as Ramsay S...

There was sperm-sample-race-against-the-clock farce and failed evil one-legged attempts to “buy” a campaigning councillor Ajay Kapoor. Summer was hired as Erinsborough News online editor-something-or-other after boosting paper sales with thrilling stories of the proposed-new-community-centre-will-result-in-the-scrapping-of-the-local-Police-Station kind. A guilt-ridden Kate temporarily scuppered the dastardly doctor’s plan to break up Jyle and pondered which new top to wear. Oddly Aussie/Scottish accented manager-type attempts to promote Red Cotton concerts at Charlie’s led to recycled way-dornt-yooze-or-may-daaah-ever-sepport-may mornings/moaning. And Lucas, having accidentally discovered Emilia and Michael together, shouted a bit, drank a lot and one-night-standed a rather attractive woman who served up a mean omelette.

Previously on Neighbours…

1 Apr

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you certainly didn’t miss any friendly waving, perfect blending or being-there-for-one-anotherliness. You did miss…

Lou Carpenter

Dodgy scams

Lou’s fake shuffle-board-neck-injury-insurance-claim-scam backfired and having blown all his money on his cruise he now looks set to fiddle the accounts of the Dial-a-Kyle business in order to cream off the profits.

Sophie Ramsay

School woes

Summer decided to pack in school following spotty youth you’re-a-cheat-type taunting. And The Brat (aka Sophie) was told she could go back to Erinsborough High if she apologised for vandalising the girls’ toilets. But the sullen, purple highlighted, nose ringed, bass playing teenager was all “I’m like so not sorry for that” and ended up being packed off to Eden Hills Grammar School by her despairing one legged legal guardian Paul Robinson where she had a miserable time but is like so not going to admit that to her uncle.

Toadfish Rebecchi

Manly DIY

In a desperate attempt to prove he was a man the spermalogically challenged Toadie decided to undertake a bit of DIY of the bashing-a-large-hole-in-a-wall-to-make-a-fire-place kind and did his back in. Despite failing to impress his green fingered beloved Jarrad did manage to impress his boss Charlotte with some improvised standing up big shot lawyer type business negotiations (long story).

Lucas Fitzgerald

The surfer dude, the Serbian and the mechanic

Michael struggled to suppress a gleeful grin when a depressed Lucas informed him that Emilia had dumped him. But gleeful grinnings were soon replaced by forlorn frownings when the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician/occasional naked model for arty type photos told the surfer-dude English teacher she wasn’t yet ready to resume their relationship of yesteryear. And what of the heartbroken mechanic? Well according to Kyle he’s entered the denial stage of the break up having taken Emilia’s “it’s not you it’s me” explanation for dumping him as a hopeful sign that she’ll take him back. What was that? Didn’t he use the same line when breaking up with the flaky florist? I think he did.

Kate Ramsay

And finally…

It was a rare angst free week for the personal trainer and the handy man. And get this, Jade even engaged in unashamed public signs of affection with her beloved and reminisced in front of her boot camp for fake singles (don’t ask) about the day she and Kyle first met and how, just several short, hassle free months later, they were united in mutual besottedness. Bloody hell? Quite. Naturally such public declarations of besottedness caused the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher/part-time assistant in Harold’s/permed party girl Kate to suddenly realise that she loved the handyman with all her heart. Sorry? You didn’t know Kate had ever harboured such feelings for Kyle in the past and didn’t she once reject his advances? Err… she hasn’t and you’re right, she did (helpfully recapped by a pre-permed spurning flashback). What’s your point?

Kyle Canning

Anyway, having learned from the smarmy Dr “you’ve got to fight for what you want regardless of who you screw over in the process” Lawson that Kyle had planned to fly to Port Douglas to search for her, Kate has decided she’s going to attempt to steal him away from her friend for how could she live the rest of her life knowing she’d let the only man she’d ever truly loved since the handsome-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way-detective with OCD Mark Brennan slip through her fingers? Hmm? No the cocky chap at Port Douglas the other week was a holiday fling. Doesn’t count apparently.

Previously on Neighbours…

12 Feb

Neighbours

Ingenious surgery, sick wheelchair-bound mothers and cunning plans

Having discovered the lifeless form of Chris Pappas at the garage the smarmy Dr Rhys Lawson was forced to operate there and then using only a Stanley knife, some rubber tubing, a toilet roll tube and some sticky-back plastic. Oh how the nurses did gaze at him with awe and wonder when they learned how he had saved the life of the young apprentice mechanic. Oh how he did delight in retelling such lifesaving exploits to his proud sick wheelchair-bound mother (yes I’d forgotten about her too). But oh how he did grimace when his proud sick wheelchair-bound mother did declare how thankful Erinsborough Hospital must be to have such a clever, clever man as he on the surgeon training programme.

Marching into the head of the surgeon training programme’s office Dr Lawson demanded she allow him to join the programme that very day because he was, lets face it, totally awesome. Alas this did not lead to we-were-fools-to-turn-you-down-come-join-us-Dr-Lawson-type congratulations but to rejections of the you’re-an-arrogant-smarmy-git-who’ll–just-have-to-reapply-for-the-programme-next-year-unless-one-of-the-trainee-surgeons-should-happen-to-fall-under-a-bus-in-the-near-future kind. What was that? Err, no he didn’t – I think there’s some doctorly hippocratic oath forbidding the pushing of trainee surgeons under buses. Instead, the cunning doctor decided to befriend one of the successful candidates and attempt to convince him to drop out. How? Psychology that’s how. Did it work? No, failed miserably.

Toadfish Rebecchi

I’m innocent, innocent I tell you!

Framed by his nasty boss Peter Noonan, Toadie was arrested by the dodgy detective with the Scottish accent, Taggart, and charged with orchestrating the bashing of Chris. In desperation Toadie turned to the evil one legged boo-hiss-he’s-behind-you Paul Robinson for help in his fight to prove his innocence. But just as Limpalot looked as though he was about to unearth evidence that might save Toadie’s neck the Council pulled the plug on the Shopping Centre project, a jubilant Robinson lost all interest in helping the disgraced lawyer and one particular viewer lost his rag over his lousy tv reception (seriously, is digital tv really better than analogue?)

Bouncer (Neighbours)

Custody battles, flirty surfing, relationship issues, tattoo revelations and absolutely no double entendres

Karl and Susan bickered over who got to keep Summer now that they’d split (again) and it looked like we were heading for a re-enactment of that iconic scene where Bouncer had to choose between Mike and Mrs Mangle. In the end Dr K won/lost (delete as appropriate) much to the dismay of a rejected Mrs K.

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

The recuperating surfer-dude head teacher Michael Williams spent the week grinning his goofy lovestruck grin at Emilia, the rather attractive and increasingly part-time beautician/hairdresser and girlfriend of Lucas Fitzgerald, the former motorcycle racing champion/exhibiting photographer/mechanic. After a bit of reminiscing and surfing in the garden (long story) it looks as though the pair may be heading for a re-enactment of the naked adult shenanigans of yesteryear in the back of the Sandman (minus the drowning wife and daughter of course).

Jade Mitchell

Just when you thought Jade Mitchell and Kyle the handyman had finally got it together the crippled personal trainer (don’t ask) now has issues of the I-can’t-act-as-though-we’re-a-proper-couple-or-cook-you-breakfast-because-I-was-bashed-about-by-an-ex-kind.

Chris Pappas

And Chris Pappas, high on painkillers, confessed that the unfortunate mix up over the oddly Scottish/Aussie accented Andrew Robinson’s Chinese ‘Pickles’ tattoo had in fact been a deliberate schoolies jape then apologised to Summer for the whole dating-her-when-he-knew-he-was-gay-thing a year or so ago, admitted he didn’t like her muffin and asked Aiden the gay nurse for a sausage roll. Hang on a second…

Noah and the Wail

20 Nov

Grief induced snogging

Pin Oak Court, Vermont South, the filming loca...

Image via Wikipedia

Poor old Kate Ramsay, the former dancing trainee teacher/assistant in Harold’s Store, was led to the Police Station by Toadie to learn the devastating truth: that the only handsome-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way detective with OCD she’d ever loved, Mark Brennan, had snuffed it. Well, shocked disbelief led, as it so often does, to the devastating grief of the barefooted, vision skewing, sister shouting, late night umm-haha-heee-haha-can-you-guess-what-it-is-yet wall painting, time-lapse-capturing, floppy woolly hatted Ark Boy snogging kind… and a wail of utter disbelief from at least one viewer.

Naturally attempts to explain to the besotted, ever-so-slightly creepy, guitar strumming and no longer be-hatted student that it was all a terrible, terrible mistake, didn’t mean a thing and must never be spoken of again all took place in the most private of places, Harold’s and the corridors of Erinsborough High, and had absolutely no effect whatsoever. The smitten and artistic Noah continued to grin besottedly and rather distractingly at his beloved, causing a perturbed Kate to have a minor flashback-inducing melt down during her uni-examiner-assessed history lesson. I dread to think how she’ll react when she remembers the time-lapse camera.

Sick, well endowed mothers and Council corruption

Kyle the handyman suddenly departed to take care of his cosmetically-enhanced-on-the-cheap, malaria suffering mother (don’t ask) leaving his plain speaking, blonde highlighted and never-referred-to-before cousin Dane Canning to take care of the threatened Dial-a-Kyle business. Hearing a rumour that permission for the shopping centre project had come about as a result of council bribery and corruption (surely not), Dane went straight to the evil, shiver-me-timbers, Erinsborough News owning Long Paul Robinson and the ever-so-annoying Summer Hoyland (who is desperate to put together an exciting report as part of her application for some journalist course as she’s like so bored of the History Wall and hasn’t spotted the time-lapse footage of Kate kissing Noah). Unable to substantiate such bribery rumours and fearing suings, the cunning Darth Paul sat back and allowed the do-gooding Zombie loving Hoyland to break the news on Piratenet (and take any flak from the Council) in the hope that it may scupper the whole shopping centre project. Nice.

Tiaras and tantrums

Michael Williams, the increasingly loopy, insomnia suffering, deceased damp wife seeing, therapist visiting, surfer-dude head teacher of Erinsborough High, finally decided to sit Tash down and tell her the truth. “What?” you cry, “he finally revealed the dark and mysterious, father-daughter relationship shattering secret concerning the death of her former beauty queen mother?” Err…no. He told her he’s seeing a therapist. Yes, you’re quite right, she already knew that. But he didn’t know that she knew that. He also didn’t know that she knew all about her aunty, the rather attractive, conveniently-unreliable-when-the-plot-requires-it-Austin-Healey-Sprite-named-Pearl driving, leaver of early birthday presents on doorsteps with cards signed “E xxx”, Serbian hairdresser/beautician, Emilia Jovanovic. He knows now though (he read the card and unwrapped the prezzy – the tiara of the deceased former beauty queen). Unfortunately such knowings did not lead to reunited brother and sister-in-law type hugs (do they ever?) but to stay-away-from-my-daughter-type-threats and hopefully an end to the therapy as it clearly isn’t working.

And finally…

Minor details which should be casually mentioned by those of you who don’t watch the show but want to blag your way through a conversation with your tad suspicious Neighbours obsessed boss, kids or students:

“And what about Dr K spotting the flirting between the personal trainer and the married Malcolm Kennedy?”

“Barbecue blackmail can never be condoned”

“Susan’s really doing my head in with her husband bashing, wi-fi winging.”

“Wasn’t the flirty mechanic/Serbian beautician chest waxing sweet?”

“Why the hell hasn’t Kate got shot of that rose drawing from Ark Boy?”

“Loved the golf!”

Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours…

7 Nov
Neighbours

Image by Squirmelia via Flickr

Dark surfer-dude secrets

Tash “Christine Pappas” Williams, daughter of the increasingly loopy surfer dude head teacher of Erinsborough High, Michael (he’s still experiencing visions of his deceased and rather damp former beauty queen wife, Helena), cunningly quizzed her recently discovered Serbian aunty, Emilia Jovanovic, whilst having her hair done and found out… brace yourselves…. absolutely nothing (sorry). Yet all was not completely lost as the vaguely perceptive hairdresser (she’d twigged Tash wasn’t a model) later noticed that the debit card “Christine Pappas” had used to pay for her services was actually registered in the name of Natasha Williams. One thing presumably led to another which most definitely led to secret observings of long lost nieces from blue 1967 Austin Healey Sprites, the spotting of no longer secret observings from blue 1967 Austin Healey Sprites by long lost nieces and speedy getaways in aforementioned blue 1967 Austin Healey Sprites.

Greek tragedy

Pappa Pappas discovered that his son Chris had arranged to do an apprenticeship at the garage of Lucas the former motor bike racing champion/exhibiting photographer/gambler/mechanic rather than going to uni. Alas, such discoveries did not lead to touching “I’m proud of you son” hugs but to the shouting of recycled angry Greek father dialogue that has been shouted many times before, the cuffing of an ungrateful son’s ear, the punching of Pappa Pappas, attempts to smooth things over, tales of hard working grandpappa Pappases, and a disgruntled Chris who was advised to focus a bit more on his studies by the mechanic in an attempt to keep Pappa Pappas vaguely pacified (hmm, good luck).

Marriages on the rocks

Susan Kennedy returned from Anglesea and casually broke the news during tea that she and Karl had decided to separate. Oh the shock. Oh the horror. Oh gawd, not again. It seems she and Karl both want different things in life. He wants to spend more time alone with his wife, enjoying their new found freedom from pesky teenagers (Summer doesn’t count for some reason). Susan wants to hold the hands of complete strangers in an absolutely non romantic way, fuss over unrelated pesky teenagers and pursue her high powered journalistic career. Mal hasn’t taken the news of his parents’ separation very well and has cancelled his flight to London in order to try and save their marriage ironically putting his own marriage in jeopardy as he’s becoming rather smitten by the alluring jogging and warm-up stretches of Jade the personal trainer.

Shopping centre woes and unrequited love

And finally… The evil hotelier’s cunning plan to scupper the proposed new shopping centre looks like it may have been scuppered by Toadie’s cunning plan to save the proposed new shopping centre. Lou Carpenter, who has a large stake in Kyle the handyman’s business (monetary rather than the wooden, vampire killing/propping trees up kind), is keen to sell up and even Lucas hasn’t ruled it out. This has not gone down well with the aforementioned handyman who turned to the only person who truly understands him, Jade the personal trainer. What’s more, Kyle’s decided that he loves her (yes it was rather sudden). “What luck!” you cry for Jade has been experiencing feelings of lovelorn mopiness for the handyman for months but had settled for secret no-strings-attached-naked-adult-shenanigans with him instead. So did Kyle reveal his feelings to Jade? Well, rather surprisingly he did. Then the personal trainer and the handyman have finally been united in mutual blissful besottedness? Err… no. Jade “I’m afraid to love” Mitchell told a crushed Kyle she did not share such feelings (her soppy lovestruck gazing at handyman flashbacks would suggest otherwise) and is now flirting recklessly with the married Malcolm Kennedy. Exasperating isn’t it?

Highlight of the week: There was absolutely no guitar strumming by sullen sisters or floppy woolly hatted youths whatsoever. Sweet.

An exciting, edge of your seat Neighbours recap

30 Oct
Wet Paint

Image by Andreas_MB via Flickr

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed superheroes, Sandys, squids, spies, scientists, Spartacuses (Spartacusi?) and other things beginning with the letter “S”. Apart from that you missed sod all really (hey, another thing beginning with the letter “S”). What with all the “Previously on Neighbours” recaps, musical interludes, flashbacks, daydream sequences, and “Tomorrow on Neighbours” spoilers there wasn’t really much time for plot development.

The finding-and-doing-up-old-cars-on-request business of the oddly Aussie/Scottish accented Andrew Robinson and the sushi-scoffing Chris “Freckles” Pappas (no longer the only gay in Erinsborough) is actually doing well after an iffy start. Even Andrew’s “daaah”, the evil one-legged hotelier, was impressed. Thrilling.

Toadie, still stuck between a rock and a hard place, is experiencing a wide range of emotions (mainly love, guilt and despair), all of which are conveyed by just the one vaguely puzzled facial expression (raised eyebrows and a cross between a grin and a grimace). Thanks to Kyle the handyman’s chest and a flirty gay councillor (long story), Paul Robinson’s cunning plan to delay the new shopping centre by getting some old newspaper office listed (it’s located on the proposed car park site) worked. Toadie’s suspiciously anxious, party-pooping boss Peter, upon learning of the delay, ordered Toadie to leave his green fingered beloved’s “S” themed 30th birthday party at once and come up with a solution to save the development (yes, he threatened to sack him yet again). Toadie’s solution? Build the car park on the site of the Dial-a-Kyle handyman yard, Fitzgerald Motors, the mysterious bric-a-brac/antiques shop and Grease Monkeys, offering the respective business owners a handsome sum in return. How could such a plan fail?

Despite all the threats of sackings, financial ruin and potential pariah-type woes, he and Sonya have decided that once things settle down a bit they’ll (cover your eyes if you’re of a nervous disposition) “try” for a baby and in the meantime (cover your eyes again) “practice”. Alas, Toadie doesn’t know that the manic mac wearing Sonya (who now suddenly wants nothing more in the whole wide world than a baby) has already thrown away her (cover your eyes again) contraceptive pills.

Some of the Erinsborough High kids, having reached new levels of boredom, decided to watch paint dry / paint a giant mural as part of the history wall project (delete as appropriate). The increasingly sullen Sophie Ramsay, twigging that Summer Hoyland was the fictitious year 12 girl that the floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming Noah has a fake secret crush on, kicked a tin of paint over the smug, zombie loving, do-gooder’s boots in a fit of jealous rage (major drama). Jealous paint-kicking-rage led, as it so often does, to nose piercing, yet more sisterly bickering, tedious besotted grinning (Noah at the perceptive-as-ever Kate), jamming in the Collective, aloof I’m-so-not-interested-in-nose-pierced-14-year-old-bass-playing-girls type behaviour from Ark Boy (harsh), the return of Lou Carpenter from East Timor, and yet more broken hearted teenage stroppy tantrums.

And what of Tash and the recently discovered Serbian hair dressing aunt, Emilia Jovanovic, you cry? What father-daughter relationship shattering secrets were finally revealed? What edge of the seat, high emotional drama finally ensued after weeks of intrigue? Well, after the hair and nail appointment a nervous Tash had booked under Chris’ name fell through, she hopped on a bus to a fashion shoot her aunt was working on (luckily a mere 40 minute ride away). In the meantime her surfer dude head teaching father Michael returned home, checked the answering machine and discovered a message from an unrelated Jovanovic Tash had phoned during the search for her grandparents last week. Oh the shock. Oh the horror. Oh what would happen next? Well, Tash arrived at the fashion shoot, was mistaken for one of the models by her aunt, plonked in a chair and… that was it.

Puzzle of the week

How come Sophie, who spent weeks strumming the same tune over and over and over again on her guitar, can now jam along to new tunes with a bass she’s had but a week?