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Despicable? Moi?

4 Mar

Neighbours

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed conception calendars, burst beanbags, disturbing put-you-off-your-tea teenage snogging and strewth-it’s-hot-type acting. You also missed…

The continuing saga of the dastardly doctor

An angry Dr K confronted the dastardly Dr Lawson and told him he hadn’t appreciated being used as part of the smarmy doctor’s plan to get shot of Erin and was going to inform Jessica, the head of the surgeon training programme, of his despicable deviousness. “So justice was done, Erin was reinstated and the smug doctor’s evil Robinsonesque plan ultimately thwarted?” Err… no. Lawson responded to Karl’s accusation with a wounded “how could you think me capable of such dastardly doings?” and immediately cast doubt in the gullible doctor’s mind. “No!” Afraid so.

Karl Kennedy

Well one thing led to another which led to mopey coffee drinking, an enlightening chat with the former dancer/former disgraced trainee teacher/part time assistant in Harold’s/part time party girl, another threat to reveal all and pleadings of the this-is-my-sick-wheelchair-bound-mother-who-I’ve-had-to-look-after-since-I-was-a-lad-pleeease-don’t-dob-me-in-as-I’ve-got-to-become-a-surgeon-as-soon-as-possible-so-that-I-can-create-a-world-where-there-are-no-more-sick-wheelchair-bound-mothers kind. Alas, the soft-hearted Dr K didn’t dob him in but suggested to Jessica that it would do the young doctor good to wait a year before being admitted on to the surgeon training programme. “And?” Oh she set Rhys some test, he aced it and she let him on the programme immediately.

Close up of a Cairn Terrier

Tearful farewells

The fluffy Kennedy pooch Audrey passed away (very sad) and was laid to rest with great solemnity at Sonya’s Nursery after a brief bit of farce involving a cool box, canine body snatching, refuse collectors and bribery (don’t ask).

Bag packing

Kate and Erin became friends and rather than plot how to exact their revenge on the smarmy Doctor Lawson (vaguely disappointing) discussed heading off to live on a beach somewhere and leaving their everyday worries and responsibilities behind. And after yet more sullen sisterly snubbing Kate has done just that and without so much as a farewell text.

Sophie Ramsay

Inconvenient dumping

Sophie decided Corey wasn’t the boy for her after all (turned out he wasn’t into her kind of music, liked geeky online dragon quest computer games and was basically Callum) but after a bit of oddly Scottish/Aussie accented bribery continued to date him so as not to scupper Andrew’s dream of managing Corey’s big bro’s band Red Cotton. Alas, the guilt became too much for the bass playing Sophie and she confessed all to a crushed Corey who immediately told his older brother thus ending her cousin’s latest get-rich-quick scheme (hmm, I haven’t used ‘thus’ since 1997).

A new regime

Priya Kapoor was appointed as the new head teacher of Erinsborough High and immediately set about reversing the former Surfer-dude head’s laid back “call me Mike” type policies, cancelled Mr Fitzgerald’s leave to visit his brother and enrolled her young Bollywood loving daughter Rani at the school.

Lucas Fitzgerald

And finally…

Lucas decided to tell Emilia that he loved her unaware that his best mate Michael had earlier confessed feelings of besottedness to his beloved under a school desk (long story). Struggling to suppress her own feelings of besottedness for the former head teacher, the beautician/hairdresser/naked model for arty-type photos flashed a ‘that’s nice’ smile at the disappointed mechanic and the following day, after a bit of outdoor pondering of the musical-interlude-with-a-bit-of-interspersed-spurned-jogging kind, met Michael at Lassiters Lake and told him that she reciprocated his goofy smile inducing feelings.

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

But having since learned of the true depth of Lucas’s besottedness for his sister-in-law, Michael decided he couldn’t break the heart of his best and non-imaginary mate (anyone else miss Ritchie?) and told Emilia that she had totally misinterpreted his earlier declarations of besottedness and was sorry if he’d misled her. So Emila has decided to stick with Lucas and though unable to tell him that she loves him has done the next best thing – given him the keys to her place. What was that? Yes it probably would mean more if he knew where she lived.

Previously on Neighbours…

4 Dec

Radio station protests

Having managed to get PirateNet shut down by Erinsborough Council with her broadcastings of alleged dodgy shopping centre deals (not helped by the devious reporting of the evil and cunning Sir Limpalot) the zombie loving, do-gooding Summer Hoyland offered the council an ultimatum: allow PirateNet to broadcast again or she and her fellow year 12 classmates would miss their English exam. The hard-ass council couldn’t have cared less (me neither) and Summer, having been abandoned by her more sensible classmates and her oddly Aussie/Scottish accented boyfriend Andrew, finally admitted defeat and ambled forlornly to the exam with but minutes to spare.

The worst 18th birthday ever?

Despite having been advised by the loopy, damp dead wife seeing, therapist visiting, pill popping surfer-dude head teacher Michael to stay away from his daughter, the rather attractive beautician/hairdresser Emilia Jovanovic turned up during the middle of Tash’s 18th birthday celebrations, having earlier been wooed by the romantic and smooth chested mechanic Lucas in the back of his van (long story). A reluctant Michael eventually agreed to allow Emilia to stay and all was going surprisingly swimmingly until Tash received a copy of her mum’s death certificate on her swanky new i-phone and discovered that swimming wasn’t one of her mother’s strong points. Turned out the Serbian former beauty queen had drowned trying to save Tash (very sad).

What was that? You’re glad that’s all over? They can finally move on with their lives and forge a stronger father/daughter bond that will last a lifetime? Err… probably not as Michael later met Emilia and told her that Tash must never know the full and dreadful truth about what happened that awful day. What was it? Well judging from a brief moment of supportive hand holding in a non-romantic way that could hint at past hand holding in a romantic way (not an easy thing to convey) the surfer-dude head and the rather attractive beautician/hairdresser may have once been more than just brother and sister-in-law. Then again it could have been just badly acted supportive hand holding in a non-romantic way and mean absolutely nothing.

Waxed chests, body lotion and major misunderstandings

Romance continued to blossom between Lucas and Emilia despite an attempt by Michael to convince him that she couldn’t be trusted. Concerned for her sensitive skinned beloved’s recently waxed chest Emilia brought over a gift wrapped bottle of soothing body lotion. Well, one thing led to another which led, surprisingly, to a line or two for Lou without a Sid James impression, Kate thinking the lotion was from Ark Boy, indignant marching in Little Red Riding Hood outfits to school (don’t ask), the putting of the gift wrapped lotion in Noah’s guitar case, the witnessing of such actions by a once more be-hatted Noah, interpretations of such body lotion giving as a declaration of love and a whole new level of besotted grinning (with a bit of creepy lurking in the kitchen of Harold’s after closing time thrown in for good measure).

Didn’t Kate explain to him about the lotion?” you ask. She did. She also told him she felt nothing, the kiss had been a terrible, terrible mistake, didn’t mean a thing and would he please sod off as nothing was ever going to happen… pretty much everything she’d told him before. “And?” Bit of a communication breakdown I’m afraid. “How so?” Well, he heard something along the lines of “Noah, I love you, this all feels so, so right and when you finish school in a few weeks we shall engage in naked adult/teenage shenanigans together… oh and bring the lotion”. “Oh dear.” Quite. Alas, just as she was about to try and explain things to him again Sophie knocked on the door of Harold’s and asked to be let in. “She’s returned from music camp?” She has, with a new hairdo. “So the damned guitar strumming will resume again?” I suspect so.

And finally…

Minor details for non-watchers to casually mention when blagging their way through a conversation with their tad suspicious Neighbours obsessed boss, colleagues, kids or students:

Cute rat.

Does Chris ever stop eating?

I’d have pelted Callum with the eggs if he’d asked.

Neighbours Recap Flashback: 8 January 2007

13 Oct

Ok. We travel back in time to the start of 2007…

Carmella the nightclubbing nun has turned her back on God and gone in search of her cousin’s baby which she’d sold ages ago in order to raise money to give to her former boyfriend Connor (the Irish guy who has possibly been murdered by Robert the evil twin son of Paul Robinson) to help him out after he stole money from his own bikini shop and to try and win him back from Harold’s granddaughter Serena who was either a. tragically drowned following a plane crash along with some other unfortunate Ramsay Street residents or b. washed up somewhere suffering from amnesia, like her grandfather Harold Bishop, and living down the road from fellow amnesia sufferer and slightly damp Dee, Toadie’s wife of a few minutes who was given up for dead after Toadie drove off a cliff and plummeted into the sea (never snog your beloved whilst driving).

Unfortunately, it seems her cousin’s baby snuffed it and this has not gone down very well with the cousin who was already in hospital suffering from depression and has now taken an unhealthy interest in Sky’s unborn kid. The aforementioned unborn kid is causing general disharmony amongst the Ramsay Street residents after Sky confessed it wasn’t Dylan’s (the bloke she was going to marry) but his younger brother’s, Stingray. The news wasn’t taken too well. Stingray has been dumped by his girlfriend Rachel Kinski and been kicked out by Janelle Timmins, biological mother of Stingray, Dylan and Janea but not Bree (long story). Without Rachel you can be sure he’ll turn back to the bottle.

Lou is undergoing hypnosis by Dr Karl Kennedy (the only doctor in Erinsborough) in an attempt to figure out why he can’t remember what happened to him in Russia when he went in search of his girlfriend Mishka (wife of a Russian political type prisoner). Brainwashing by the KBG? Alzheimer’s? Or possibly insanity as he’s now falling for Janelle.

Max (who ran over and killed Callum, Paul’s good twin son ,thinking it was Robert, Paul’s evil twin son) is now in a mental health ward after Elle, Paul’s daughter, in a bid to seek revenge for the death of the aforementioned good twin and favourite brother, convinced him that he was mad. Ironically Max had his wife Steph committed when she wouldn’t have treatment for cancer when she was pregnant. There’s a moral there somewhere.

And finally and most disturbingly… Lyn and Paul continue to get closer and it’s all a tad sordid. On the up side Lyn’s dog, Harvey, no longer chews Paul’s wooden leg.

Alas poor Jim, Susan knew him well… sort of

24 Sep

Susan Kennedy, determined that Jim the dying builder should see his childhood home in Anglesea before he snuffed it, attempted to break him out of Erinsborough Hospital. Poor Jim caught a fleeting glimpse of some kookaburras in the hospital car park before Dr Karl “jealous of a dying man” Kennedy spotted them (Jim and Susan – not the kookaburras) and had him returned to bed. While Dr K was having a calm and rational discussion with his wife outside the hospital, the smarmy Dr Rhys Lawson went to check on the dying builder. The next few minutes involved a lot of exasperated shouting (me), hand holding in an absolutely non-romantic way (Dr Rhys and an unconscious Jim), more exasperated shouting (me again I’m afraid), a deceased Jim, the return of Susan and Karl, withering “I’ll never forgive you” type looks, yet more exasperated shouting (Susan this time) and an ever so slightly less smarmy Dr Rhys who appears to have been deeply affected by holding Jim’s hand in an absolutely non-romantic way.

Mrs K, who wonders whether her over the top attachment to Jim was somehow connected to leftover guilt concerning her former and very much deceased husband Alex Kinski (father of Zeke, Rachel and the karate chopping, car stealing, former glamour model Katya), has gone off to Anglesea to arrange the funeral of her dearly departed builder leaving behind a miserable Dr K who is clinging to the hope that his son Mal can smooth things over. All this emotional turmoil and yet no sign of Susan’s MS. It’s a miracle.

Having given her distraught house mate, the flaky florist Michelle, a couple of hours to get over being dumped by Lucas (who has now decided to purchase the garage from Elle Robinson, daughter of Limpalot), the compassionate Jade asked her to pack her bags and move out as she and Kyle just didn’t like her, nothing personal. Michelle took it quite well, told them she wasn’t going anywhere and stormed off to her room taking her trifle with her (don’t ask). A cunning Kyle tried a more gentle approach: clear off we don’t like you but have a nice pot plant (purchased from the newly opened ‘Sonya’s Nursery’), a dolphin card (poor Mr Watson) and a month’s rent with a bit extra thrown in. It failed.

Noah, wearer of the floppy woolly hat (though it could be cotton or perhaps a woollen/acrylic blend) is giving a besotted, grinning and much younger Sophie electric grid challenging guitar lessons and inspiring her to write songs about him. Cool. Alas, poor Sophie doesn’t know that Ark Boy is grinning besottedly at her older sister, Kate the trainee teacher/assistant in Harold’s Store, who is oblivious to all of the besotted grinning and has foolishly offered to give him extra one-on-one history lessons, much to Noah’s delight.

Michael the surfing head teacher and his troublesome and recently drowned but now much better mathletic daughter Tash have finally made up. Father and daughter have been happily reunited. Harmony has been restored. Boarding school has been cancelled. That photograph of the young surfer dude type Michael, his wife and a young Tash on a beach (taken 1995) has been returned (minus the Badloves album but hey, you can’t have everything). All is right with the world once more. Nothing could possibly go wrong. All this sea business (Tash is still hearing the sea, Michael is still having flashbacks involving the sea) can’t possibly be some long forgotten, dark and tragic secret from the past that will cause yet more angst between the pair. We can rest easy, safe in the knowledge that nothing nasty is lurking round the corner ready to shatter their cosy little world. Phew.

Neighbours: the big storylines of 2010 and 2011 (part 1)

15 Aug

Today a recap of the Toadie, Sonya, Steph, Libby and Dan storyline that went on for what felt like several years.

Toadfish Rebecchi

Toadie, having just started going out with an initially reluctant Sonya, trainer of guide dogs for the blind and recovering something-or-other, dumped her to enter into a sham marriage with his ex-fiancé and best friend, Steph Scully, who had become knocked up after a one-night stand with Dan, husband of her best friend Libby. How could Steph do such a thing? Well…

Libby Kennedy

Dan wanted a baby. Yet the chances of Libby giving Dan a baby were slim having fallen off Steph’s motorbike years ago rendering such things dangerous though not altogether impossible as she’d had a son with her deceased husband Drew (he was alive at the time of conception and when Ben was born, but alas fell off a horse soon after and died – very sad). Libby fell pregnant with Dan’s child, the future looked rosy and then she miscarried. Libby’s mum, Susan Kennedy (formerly Kinski, formerly Kennedy) naturally became a surrogate for her daughter and son-in-law’s baby (shudder) despite having MS (which comes and goes when convenient for the plot). But alas she too miscarried after collapsing following a heated argument and brisk stroll in the country with Dan (he failed to notice the aforementioned collapsing Susan as he was listening to his I-Pod). What marriage could survive that and the manipulative goings-on of Dan’s ex-wife Sam, the bipolar lawyer/hobbit/person of short stature?

Lucas Fitzgerald

Anyway, immediately after Libby and Dan split up, Steph decided the time was right to confess her undying love for Lucas Fitzgerald (brother of Dan, a former motorbike racing champion, respected exhibiting photographer with a posh flat in the city, and now a mechanic, part-time teacher, and recovering gambler who rents a room from Kate Ramsay, the former dancer/full-time assistant in Harold’s Store/occasional trainee teacher). Now Libby had had a brief romance with Lucas before she and Dan had properly got it together (his estranged wife, the hobbit, arrived in Ramsay Street and one thing had led to another which had led, as it so often does, to reconciliation, jealousy and fake babies). Alas, Libby had no idea that Lucas was Dan’s brother and bitter rival in love, motorbike racing and just about everything else. Much brotherly rivalry and manly motorbike racing ensued before Libby finally got it together with Dan, and after more grief from a pregnant hobbit (real baby this time but not Dan’s) and a temporary body transplant (long story) married him. Steph, who had always had a thing for Libby’s men including Drew who once appeared to her in a dream to warn her that her cancer had returned, was just about to tell Lucas that she loved him when she spotted the mechanic comforting/snogging an upset and confused Libby. A pissed off Steph bumped into a moping Dan at Charlie’s, one drink led to another which led to some ropey dancing and, inevitably, drunken naked adult shenanigans in a hotel room that they both regretted the following morning and vowed never to speak of again.

Stephanie Scully

Steph, having discovered that Libby and Lucas’s kiss was a heat of the moment thing that both had regretted and had meant nothing, finally confessed her feelings for Lucas to Lucas (who had since fallen off his motorbike and was temporarily paralysed) and it turned out he shared such feelings for Steph. Hurrah! Alas cruel fate/unprotected drunken naked adult shenanigans intervened. Steph found out she was pregnant with Dan’s baby and fled to a motel where she called Toadie, her other best friend and one time lover whom she jilted at the altar. Toadie, who had just started dating Sonya, rushed to Steph, heard about the drunken, naked adult shenanigans in a hotel room and the results of the aforesaid drunken, naked adult shenanigans, and came up with the most straightforward solution – claim she’d had drunken, naked adult shenanigans in a hotel room with a complete stranger a few weeks ago and was now pregnant? Er, no. Claim that she and Toadie were in love again, move in together, then announce they were expecting a kid, get married, have the kid and eventually split up? Of course, far simpler. What could possibly go wrong? Libby could start dating Dr Doug, Steph’s doctor, and possibly reveal Steph was more advanced in her pregnancy than she and Toadie were claiming? They could lose the DVD containing the ultrasound footage which could reveal she was more pregnant than they were claiming? Toadie could annoy the evil Paul Robinson who would then start tapping his phone, eventually discover the terrible deception and play the conversation to a crowded Charlie’s where Libby and half of Ramsay Street would discover the terrible truth?

Donna Freedman

Once the terrible secret was revealed how could things possibly get any worse? Well, Steph eventually fled to have the baby, gave the baby up to Dan after learning that he’d been involved in an accident that had left him unable to father children, hooked up with her no-good-ex from years ago, Woody, fled to a motel again (she did a lot of fleeing), was found by Libby, got all hysterical, roared off on her bike in tears, over the legal alcohol limit, and hearing the cries of an imaginary baby, and then knocked over and killed Ringo, the singing trainee paramedic and purchaser of muffins who had recently married Donna, hopeful fashion designer and the inventor of the shrugalero. A trial ensued, Sam the hobbit returned to prosecute Steph, determined to have vengeance on the woman who had provided Dan, the only man she’d ever loved, with the baby she could never give him. Alas, Steph hired Toadie, the most inept lawyer in Erinsborough, and she was locked up leaving her poor kid Charlie in the care of her mother, Lyn.

Sonya Mitchell

Toadie got back together with Sonya and everything was fine until Callum, Toadie’s adopted son, bought a cuddly toy which triggered a recurring dream of his faceless no-good mother who had taken such a toy off him when he was a toddler, raided his piggy bank and fled into the night. One thing led to another which led to hypnosis, some rather nifty dream like camera effects, Callum falling from a great height, banging his head and suddenly remembering the face of his faceless mother – which bore a striking resemblance to Sonya’s (less of a shock to the viewer as we discovered this weeks earlier when Sonya’s vaguely annoying sister Jade turned up). Oh the betrayal. Oh the emotional turmoil. Oh the long drawn out weeks of Toadie at his most self-righteous, unforgiving worst. Callum’s biological and mildly psychotic father Troy then turned up, wooed a dejected and spurned Sonya, formed a father-son relationship with Callum and threatened an interfering Harold Bishop who had briefly returned to Ramsay Street in his camper van in an attempt to reunite Toadie and Sonya. It took Harold’s wedding to a tea growing Madge sound alike to finally bring Toadie and Sonya back together and the slightly psychotic Troy departed, though not before he’d done what we’d all wanted to do for a while and punched Toadie.

Tomorrow, a recap of the tragic love story of Kate, the former dancer/full-time assistant in Harold’s General Store/occasional trainee teacher, and Mark Brennan, the good looking-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way detective with OCD.