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Last week on Neighbours…

18 Mar

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed smirking smarmy doctors, Valentine’s Day celebrations, traffic light parties, the discovery of a portal to a c.2005 bikini plot-line, yet more personal trainer/handyman relationship angst (don’t worry I’m sure there’ll be more next week) and some rather dodgy mimed singing at Charlies. You also missed…

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

Summer Hoyland

Toilet flashbacks and reluctant confessions

The surfer-dude English teacher Michael Williams began to experience flashbacks of the catching-Summer-cheating-in-the-loos-during-an-English-exam-prior-to-collapsing-from-a-perforated-ulcer kind much to the dismay of Fringe Girl who’d finally put aside her feelings of guilt and had hoped Michael’s 2 minute amnesia was a long term thing.

After some oddly Aussie/Scottish accented “hoe could yooze dorb Summer en after the lays yooze torld Tesh aboat her mam?” confrontations, Michael (who’s still harbouring secrets of the brother-in-law/sister-in-law-naked-adult-shenanigans-in-the-back-of-the-Sandman-while-wife-was-drowning and more recent kissing-aforementioned-sister-in-law-even-though-she’s-dating-a-best-mate kind) decided not to dob her in but advised the would be Lois Lane that she could either:

(a) go to university, study journalism and forge a successful award winning career but be tormented and consumed by the terrible, terrible guilt of what she had done for the rest of her life (which would probably be quite short given the psychological and physical effects such terrible, terrible guilt would have on her) or

(b) confess all, scuppering her Eden Uni dreams (probably no bad thing as nobody ever seems to complete their studies at Eden Uni) but live the rest of her life with a clear conscience.

After confessing all to a sympathetic Susan, Summer later headed to the office of the head teacher Priya the bore… sorry, Kapoor… and has now gone off to visit her vaguely unhinged but oddly missed ex step-nan Lyn.

Chris Pappas

First date jitters

Having accidentally asked Aiden out (long story) a nervous Chris Pappas went mini golfing with the floppy haired gay nurse. And despite a brief interruption from a tantrum throwing Tash (she’d learned of Summer’s cheating and has vowed never to forgive Summer for allowing her to think she’d played some part in her father’s stress related stomach ulcer collapse with all the fake pregnancy/dating a slimy gardener/online topless photos/graffiti/selling treasured Bad Love albums to fund a nose/job-near death swimming pool antics/genealogical research type grief she’d put him through) the pair are all set for a second date.

Sonya Mitchell

Baby woes

Sonya, the green fingered recovering something-or-other spent an afternoon peeing on pregnancy test sticks in the desperate hope that her beloved had knocked her up. But alas he had not. Oh the what-if-all-the-something-or-other-I-did-in-the-past-has-rendered-me-incapable-of-having-any-more-children? bemoanings that followed. Oh the maybe-I’m-too-old-to-have-a-baby-at-30 type manic mutterings that ensued. Oh the pointless ponderings of one viewer over who was running the nursery while all this peeing on sticks was going on. In a desperate bid to shut his beloved up Toadie has suggested they both take a fertility test (sorry, that should have come with a warning).

Paul Robinson (Neighbours)

And finally…

Paul “avast me hearties” Robinson went to Port Douglas to search for his frizzy haired niece Kate Ramsay and engage in a bit of experimental exposed vest wearing. Well, one thing led to another which led to the pissing off of  the local police, the feeding of opportunist back-packers, lost wallets, the increasingly overused-of-late I’m-listening-to-my-ipod-and-am-totally-oblivious-to-all-conversation-and-hollering plot device, the attempted theft of a boat, phone conversations with stroppy younger sisters and the eventual uniting of Kate with her one-legged uncle.

Port Douglas, Queensland

Having been told by Sophie that Mrs K has agreed to become her new guardian (she hasn’t) and will no longer be cast into an orphanage by Roz the social worker (she will), Kate has decided to put her own happiness first for a change and head off to Vietnam with her new beloved Dominic, much to the dismay of the evil hotelier/newspaper owner. What was that? Didn’t Kate put her own happiness first when she asked Andrew to delete Summer’s time-lapse footage of her grief induced kiss with Noah which ultimately resulted in the zombie loving student’s English exam revision meltdown, shameful cheating and crushed uni dreams? Err… yes.

Smarmy doctors, framed lawyers and naked mechanics… yes it’s another Neighbours recap

19 Feb
Neighbours

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed Red Cotton concerts to raise money to re-pay one-legged fathers for funding the removal of embarressing tattoos, guilt-ridden uni celebrations, surprisingly supportive Greek fathers, former stand-in headteacher/intrepid reporter bonding and sullen bass playing teenagers. You also missed…

Cunning career furthering wooing

Determined to claim his rightful place on the surgeon training programme and make his sick, wheelchair-bound mother truly proud, the smarmy Dr Darcy… sorry Dr Lawson… moved on to his next victim, the pretty but supposedly plain Erin. Using only his stunning good looks, winning personality and Facebook, the dastardly Doctor began to woo the shy trainee surgeon over coffees at Charlie’s. Naturally the unsuspecting Erin began to fall for the smarmy Rhys (the poor girl never stood a chance) but a suspicious Kate (the former dancer/former trainee teacher/part time assistant in Harold’s/part time party animal (long story)/former Lawson conquest) has sussed his cunning plan and judging from her look of disgust will attempt to scupper the devious doctor’s despicable scheme.

Starsky and Crutch

Photo of David Soul and Paul Michael Glazer fr...

Lucas Fitzgerald decided to turn detective and attempted to track down the fiend that had bashed his apprentice Chris Pappas (who’s much better now apart from suffering panic attacks of the afraid-to-set-foot-in-Fitzgerald-Motors-zoomy-camera-effect kind). Well one thing led, with a little help from his trusty sidekick Kyle “Crutches” Canning, to another which led to greyhound racing stakeouts, confrontations, police cars, interrogations, shocking claims, a cunning plan, the clearing of a disgraced lawyer’s name, the arrest of the nasty Peter Noonan, and joyful all’s-well-that-ends-well-hugging.

Alas, despite having been proved innocent of all evil wrongdoings, the new partners at the firm of city lawyers decided they didn’t want poor Toadie back and offered him a generous sum of money to stay away and never speak of the murky goings-on which everyone already knew had gone on. But a determined Toadie would have none of this. Why? Because he’d grown to love the big shot city lawyer life, love it, and though he hated to sound immodest, he was damned good at what he did.

Toadfish Rebecchi

So the ever-so-talented/ever-so-deluded Toadie (delete as appropriate) offered the red headed spokeswoman of the firm Charlotte an ultimatum; they either gave him back his job or he’d sue them. What was that? Did she laugh hysterically and engage in “ooh-we’re-really-scared”-type mockings? Err… no. They gave him back his job… no, they really did.

And finally…

Things aren’t looking too promising for Lucas and the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician/part time model for naked arty-type photos, Emilia Jovanovic. What was that? You didn’t know she modelled naked for arty-type photos? Oh she’s been doing it for years apparently. Hmm? No, we didn’t get to see any, though Lucas, Limpalot and Michael did. Lucky sods? Quite. Anyway, unimpressed by Fitzgerald’s rather Victorian reaction to her part time modelling career, Emilia decided to end things but was soon won over by an apologetic and briefly naked mechanic and his large toolbox (don’t ask). However, Emilia’s flashbacks of the surfing-in-the-garden-and-hugging-on-the-beach-with-her-surfer-dude-brother-in-law kind and her decision not to accompany the dismayed Lucas to Sydney to visit Dan (his brother, former rival in love and motorbike racing, and father of the baby of his banged up last true love Steph Scully), don’t suggest happily-ever-after besottedness.

The one where everyone finds out

22 Jan

View of Pin Oak Court, (also known as Ramsay S...

There were failed Jedi mind tricks, revelations, stroppy teens, sofa farce and flashbacks aplenty in Neighbours last week.

A good Jedi make Kate would not

Kate the former dancer/trainee teacher/assistant in Harold’s Store turned to the Force in a desperate bid to be rid of her besotted floppy hatted guitar strumming admirer and told a trembly lipped Noah that she’d never kissed him, he’d imagined the whole thing, and that he was, quite frankly, a bit daft in the head. But alas, believe this not would he. Determined that Kate should admit to himself and to the World that she had indeed kissed him, Noah revealed all to Priya (wife of Councillor Kapoor and stand-in headteacher at Erinsborough High while the surfer-dude Michael Williams recuperates from his drowned-Serbian-beauty-queen-wife-secret-induced perforated stomach ulcer) during the grand unveiling of the already unveiled History Wall.

Kate Ramsay

Well, one thing led to another which led to gasps, denials, suspensions, guilt, retractions, reprieves, how-could-you-have-made-up-such-lies-about-my-sister-you-freak-type shouting, accidental oddly-Scottish/Aussie-accented blurtings, tearful how-could-you-have-kissed-the-only-floppy-hatted-guitar-strumming-boy-I’ve-ever-loved-type shouting, a bit of overacted angry running and the dobbing in of an older sister. Kate finally admitted she’d committed the terrible deed (though has yet to reveal that it was one of those odd grief induced kisses brought about by the death of the only handsome-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way detective with OCD she’d ever loved, Mark Brennan) and was once again suspended from her trainee teacher-type duties while she awaits an official enquiry into the whole sorry saga. Meanwhile her broken hearted unforgiving stroppy younger sister Sophie moved out and is now living with the unsettlingly nice of late evil one legged uncle, Paul Robinson. If he’s got any sense he’ll make her leave her sodding electric bass at her sister’s.

Summer Hoyland

Yet more confessions

The oddly Scottish/Aussie accented Andrew Robinson confessed to his do-gooding, zombie loving girlfriend Summer that her “tame-lepse” film of wet paint drying had included footage of the aforementioned kiss and that he’d deliberately deleted the whole thing in an attempt to save his cousin’s career. Oddly enough Summer took the news rather well. Racked with guilt of the being-caught-cheating-during-an-English-exam-by-your-invalided-head-teacher-who-doesn’t-remember-you-cheating-and-having-the-opportunity-to-resit-the-exam-again kind, Summer confessed all to Chris Pappas and Andrew and is now pondering whether she should (a) get over the feelings of guilt, say nothing to the powers that be and resit the exam or (b) confess all which could end her lifelong dreams of doing some journalist uni course next year.

Susan as she appeared in her first episode in 1994

And finally…

Susan Kennedy, intrepid reporter for the Erinsborough News, began to suspect Karl of having naked adult shenanigans with Jade the personal trainer (don’t ask) which led to flashbacks of the 1998-and-2004-cheating-git-of-a-husband kind and some jealous-wife-type behaviour. What was that? Did Susan finally admit she’d been completely irrational of late, was terribly sorry, she loved him and could they give their marriage another go? Err, no. Just as the completely innocent Dr K dared to hope that such jealousy proved that his wife still loved him in a ransacking-of-the-blue-box kind of way, Susan figured out that their son Malcolm was the one having naked adult shenanigans with the personal trainer (long story with yet another flashback), that Karl had known of their randy son’s exploits for some time and concluded that as a former no-good two-timing excuse of a husband Karl was therefore equally to blame. Harsh.

Please Sir, can I go to the toilet?

11 Dec
Neighbours

Okay, we’ve all been there. Your zombie loving, do-gooding beloved is feeling down in the dumps because they’ve managed to get the local youth radio station shut down after broadcasting unsubstantiated claims of dodgy council dealings over some shopping centre complex and you want to cheer them up by finishing off their rather dull report about some History Wall painting project which they’re submitting as part of an application for a journalist degree. You take advantage of your evil one legged media mogul/hotelier/failed-recruiter-of-now-sacked-insolent-Polish-cleaners-named-Lorraine-to-spy-on-councillors-named-Ajay-Kapoor father’s offer to use the local newspaper’s cutting edge editing suit, not questioning why he wasted his money on software for editing film footage when he runs a newspaper, when, shock horror, you discover that the time-lapse film of the History Wall painting contains footage of your former dancer/assistant in Harold’s/trainee teacher cousin pashing your slightly odd, floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming classmate.

You have a quiet word with your aforementioned cousin in the most public of places and despite your odd Scottish/Aussie accent getting vaguely unintelligible when anxious your cousin catches the gist of what you’re saying and tells you that your beloved can’t possibly use the film as it’ll end their hopes of becoming a teacher. You explain that the speeded up film of wet paint drying is the only way your zombie loving do-gooding significant other can get onto the journalist course, but your cousin couldn’t care less. So you attempt to edit out the pashing section of the time-lapse film, which rather oddly and most inexplicably slows right down at the point of the kiss, but it doesn’t look quite right… not remotely terrible, but not perfect. However, the alternative is to delete the entire film which wouldn’t go down too well with your beloved. So the choice is simple. No-brainer really.

Promotional photo of Boris Karloff from The Br...

Image via Wikipedia

Having explained to Summer that he’d “accidentally” deleted the entire film footage (l know, I know – take it up with the script writers) Andrew’s beloved had a major Frankenstein revising meltdown and in desperation photographed her post-it-note quotes on her phone and left it in some air vent type thing in the school loos so that she could sneakily refer to them during an emergency mid-exam toilet break. Alas one thing led to another which led to vibrating phones, questionable hygiene, hysterical pleadings, perforated stomach ulcers, collapsing loopy-pill-popping-slightly-weird-about-kormas-jealous-of-hand-holding-mechanics-and-rather-attractive-Serbian-beauticians/hairdressers-surfer-dude head teachers, hospital, gay nurses, guilt, anxious waiting and, thankfully for Summer, a minor case of two-minute amnesia. Yep, Michael doesn’t remember discovering Summer’s cheating.

And finally…

Callum’s attempts to get out of his parent-enforced, pay-towards-the-extra-broad-band-required-for-your-online-dragon-quest-game-yourself-you-lazy-little-sod-lesson-teaching paper round were bested by the presumably still green-fingered, recovering something-or-other and less-annoying-of-late Sonya.

Jade and the married Malcolm Kennedy continued to have naked-adult-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached, apart from a temporary blip when the increasingly smarmy doctor’s son sent her some flowers. The personal trainer, thinking the flowers were from Kyle the absent handyman (the man she secretly loves but is afraid to admit she loves) was proper made up until she discovered Mal had sent them. Unimpressed, she explained to the horny pig keeper that the sending of flowers seriously contravened the whole adult-naked-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached arrangement and must never happen again.

And what of the floppy hatted, guitar strumming Noah and Kate?” you ask. Well, having somehow magicked himself out of Harold’s when Sophie turned up, he then invited himself to Sophie’s welcome-back-from-music-camp dinner and attempted to con Kate into accompanying Sophie and himself to some guitar strumming gig. “So Noah still hasn’t got the message?” Err, not really no, though Kate foiled his fiendish plan by having Lou accompany him and her sister to the gig instead. What was that? Yes, you’re quite right, ‘magicked’ is an odd looking word.