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Naked adult shenanigans and dastardly doctorly doings

9 Apr

Movings on, apologies, eeee-yew type stuff and surprisingly fast plot development.

Susan moved out of the sperm promoting seaweed smoothie drinking Toadie’s house and into the Kennedy storage container/a new apartment (delete as appropriate), thrilled at the prospect of living alone and having the opportunity to discover herself and not remotely bothered that her estranged hubby Karl has reluctantly started dating his much taller fun-run partner and smitten colleague Jessica, the head of surgery.

Summer Hoyland

Summer embarked on a campaign to convince Limpalot to give her a job at the Erinsborough News, apologised to Tash for causing her father’s collapse with all the fake pregnancy/dating a slimy gardener/online topless photos/graffiti/selling treasured Bad Love albums to fund a nose job/near death swimming pool antics/genealogical research type grief she’d put him through (hang on…) and advised her mathletic friend how to deal with her dad’s recent revelation that he and her aunty were in love and wanted to be together. Hmm? How the heck did that come about? Well…

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

Emila became stranded in a car park without a car (don’t ask) and phoned the previously spurned surfer-dude for assistance. A grinning Michael leapt into the Sandman and after a brief ignition problem of the obvious-sign-posting-of-future-ignition-problem-plot kind sped off to rescue his beloved. What was that? Did the Sandman fail to start once Michael had picked up the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician? Funnily enough it did and having phoned Fitzgerald Motors breakdown recovery service the pair decided to pass the time engaged in naked adult shenanigans of yesteryear (as you do).

Natasha Williams (Neighbours)

The young gay apprentice mechanic Chris Pappas soon arrived on the scene and upon discovering a pink and presumably still warm bra in the front of the Sandman twigged what Michael and Emilia had been up to and later advised his former surfer-dude head teacher to tell Tash what was going on (minus the sordid details). And rather surprisingly Michael did. After a brief “Oh how could you have kept this from me” tantrum Tash has now accepted the situation though is still unaware that the pair had once engaged in adulterous naked adult shenanigans in the Sandman which had contributed to the drowning of her tiara wearing Serbian beauty queen mother. “And what of Lucas?” Oh he still has no idea that his ex beloved and best mate are together but I’m sure he’ll take it really well. Really well indeed.

Despicably cunning plans

Darcy Tyler

Vaguely determined to steal the handyman she’d always loved but didn’t realise she’d always loved from her friend without actually stealing the handyman from her friend, because that would just be horrid, the sweet and innocent Kate “jokingly” bet the dastardly Dr Rhys Lawson, that though most women were incapable of resisting his smarmy charms he would never be able to seduce Jade. Sneaky? Quite. Well, one thing led, as it so often does, to another which inevitably led to bare chests, laundry sabotage, reluctant agreeings to meet granny Canning, large bills for the care of secret sick wheelchair bound mothers, laundry rage, cutting “rich mummy’s boy” put downs and vengeful doctorly determinations to scupper the personal trainer’s happiness.

Jade Mitchell

Using his evil psychological super powers, the smarmy trainee surgeon convinced Jade that it was far too early for her to meet any of Kyle’s family, let alone his granny, and that he, unlike her beloved handyman, truly understood how she felt about such matters for he was, let’s face it, a damned nice fellow as well as devastatingly good looking, and to prove it handed her a new white top to replace the one that he’d “accidentally” ruined with his pink shirt. And? Well she appeared a bit baffled by such acts of apologetic top giving, which is presumably what the loathsome Lawson intended and will somehow lead to unlikely lustful longings before too long.

Puzzle of the week: A minor one, but had Chris obtained a school pass from reception before going to see Michael or had the scriptwriters forgotten this previously unheard of rule they were so keen to bang on about the other week?

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Previously on Neighbours…

12 Feb

Neighbours

Ingenious surgery, sick wheelchair-bound mothers and cunning plans

Having discovered the lifeless form of Chris Pappas at the garage the smarmy Dr Rhys Lawson was forced to operate there and then using only a Stanley knife, some rubber tubing, a toilet roll tube and some sticky-back plastic. Oh how the nurses did gaze at him with awe and wonder when they learned how he had saved the life of the young apprentice mechanic. Oh how he did delight in retelling such lifesaving exploits to his proud sick wheelchair-bound mother (yes I’d forgotten about her too). But oh how he did grimace when his proud sick wheelchair-bound mother did declare how thankful Erinsborough Hospital must be to have such a clever, clever man as he on the surgeon training programme.

Marching into the head of the surgeon training programme’s office Dr Lawson demanded she allow him to join the programme that very day because he was, lets face it, totally awesome. Alas this did not lead to we-were-fools-to-turn-you-down-come-join-us-Dr-Lawson-type congratulations but to rejections of the you’re-an-arrogant-smarmy-git-who’ll–just-have-to-reapply-for-the-programme-next-year-unless-one-of-the-trainee-surgeons-should-happen-to-fall-under-a-bus-in-the-near-future kind. What was that? Err, no he didn’t – I think there’s some doctorly hippocratic oath forbidding the pushing of trainee surgeons under buses. Instead, the cunning doctor decided to befriend one of the successful candidates and attempt to convince him to drop out. How? Psychology that’s how. Did it work? No, failed miserably.

Toadfish Rebecchi

I’m innocent, innocent I tell you!

Framed by his nasty boss Peter Noonan, Toadie was arrested by the dodgy detective with the Scottish accent, Taggart, and charged with orchestrating the bashing of Chris. In desperation Toadie turned to the evil one legged boo-hiss-he’s-behind-you Paul Robinson for help in his fight to prove his innocence. But just as Limpalot looked as though he was about to unearth evidence that might save Toadie’s neck the Council pulled the plug on the Shopping Centre project, a jubilant Robinson lost all interest in helping the disgraced lawyer and one particular viewer lost his rag over his lousy tv reception (seriously, is digital tv really better than analogue?)

Bouncer (Neighbours)

Custody battles, flirty surfing, relationship issues, tattoo revelations and absolutely no double entendres

Karl and Susan bickered over who got to keep Summer now that they’d split (again) and it looked like we were heading for a re-enactment of that iconic scene where Bouncer had to choose between Mike and Mrs Mangle. In the end Dr K won/lost (delete as appropriate) much to the dismay of a rejected Mrs K.

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

The recuperating surfer-dude head teacher Michael Williams spent the week grinning his goofy lovestruck grin at Emilia, the rather attractive and increasingly part-time beautician/hairdresser and girlfriend of Lucas Fitzgerald, the former motorcycle racing champion/exhibiting photographer/mechanic. After a bit of reminiscing and surfing in the garden (long story) it looks as though the pair may be heading for a re-enactment of the naked adult shenanigans of yesteryear in the back of the Sandman (minus the drowning wife and daughter of course).

Jade Mitchell

Just when you thought Jade Mitchell and Kyle the handyman had finally got it together the crippled personal trainer (don’t ask) now has issues of the I-can’t-act-as-though-we’re-a-proper-couple-or-cook-you-breakfast-because-I-was-bashed-about-by-an-ex-kind.

Chris Pappas

And Chris Pappas, high on painkillers, confessed that the unfortunate mix up over the oddly Scottish/Aussie accented Andrew Robinson’s Chinese ‘Pickles’ tattoo had in fact been a deliberate schoolies jape then apologised to Summer for the whole dating-her-when-he-knew-he-was-gay-thing a year or so ago, admitted he didn’t like her muffin and asked Aiden the gay nurse for a sausage roll. Hang on a second…

Last week on Neighbours…

5 Feb

Neighbours

Ticket to ride

Kyle the handyman took the news of Jade’s naked-adult-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached with the now departed Mal Kennedy rather badly (I know, shocking). Despite tearfully confessing to her beloved that she loved him, had loved him for months and had only rejected his declarations of love and slept with the pig keeper in a desperate attempt to get over such feelings, an unmoved Kyle told the personal trainer that he could never ever forgive her. Faced with such spurnings and keen to avoid further earache of the hysterically-judgemental-smock-wearing-sisterly kind, Jade fled to the city to catch a bus heading to yet another city unaware that her beloved handyman had, upon further reflection, decided to forgive her after all and was in hot pursuit. Oh the edge of the seat will-they/won’t-they-Christmas-carol-filled minutes of drama that followed. Oh the heart warming joyous uniting of the handyman and the personal trainer in mutual besottedness. Oh thank God that storyline is finally over.

Karl Kennedy

Caught between goodbye and I love you

A crushed and tearful Karl Kennedy was reluctantly forced to accept that his wife no longer loved him in a ransacking-of-the-blue-box-kind-of-way after one of those trapped-in-a-storage-container-heart-to-hearts (long story). Susan, keen to put some considerable distance between herself and her heartbroken hubby and begin a new Dr K-less carefree chapter in her life has now decided to pack up her bags and… move in with Toadie.

Chris Pappas

Help!

Chris “Freckles” Pappas was bashed over the head with a spanner by the mysterious individual who had been secretly observing the goings-on at Fitzgerald Motors. Well, one thing led to another which led to hospital, gay Spice Girl loving nurse-type ministrations, ill-advised dischargings, red herrings, concerned Greek fathers, CCTV footage, lucky coincidences, accusations of the hiring-of-thugs-by-dodgy-city-lawyers-to-persuade-mechanics-to-sell-up-and-allow-the-Shopping-Centre-to-proceed kind, shocking impending-life-in-peril-type x-ray results and some rather ropey broken-rib-punctures-lung-putting-life-in-peril-type acting.

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

And finally…

The recuperating surfer-dude head teacher Michael Williams, his less troublesome of late daughter Tash and the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician/sister-in-law/aunty Emilia drove to the beach where the former Serbian beauty queen wife/mother/sister had drowned whilst trying to save the life of Tash all those years ago. Keen for some alone time to reflect on drowned mothers and stare forlornly into the middle distance, Tash went for a stroll leaving a guilty Michael and Emilia to ponder whether Helena would have still been alive today if they hadn’t been engaged in naked adult shenanigans in the back of the Sandman and the viewer to ponder whether Emilia (who seemed rather taken with Lucas’s wooing in the back of his van a few weeks back) has a bit of a thing for men with utility vehicles.

Another Neighbours recap

29 Jan

Lucas Fitzgerald

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed Christmas tree hilarity, disturbing red pants, gay pride, the re-sitting of English exams, drunken-schoolie-tattoo regrets and witty graffiti. You also missed…

Stubborn mechanics and baffling job offers

Lucas Fitzgerald fell victim to sabotage of the alleged-disgruntled-Hamilton-Group-construction-worker kind and endured (as did we all) Toadie’s persistent and somewhat sneaky attempts to convince him to accept his client’s generous offer for the garage. The stubborn mechanic refused to change his mind, further delaying the already considerably delayed shopping centre. But it looks like more trouble may be heading his way as someone appears to be secretly observing the goings-on at Fitzgerald Motors. Meanwhile Toadie, the most inept lawyer in Erinsborough, was offered a permanent job by his petulant boss Peter, despite his failed attempts to convince Lucas to sell up.

Susan as she appeared in her first episode in 1994

Tellings off and trembly lips

Susan informed her randy son Malcolm Kennedy that she knew all about his naked goings-on with Jade the personal trainer and demanded he confess all to his poor wife Catherine when he returns to London. The trembly lipped pig keeper agreed and admitted that his dad had warned him that naked adult shenanigans with someone other than your beloved would always end badly. Having reflected upon the harsh words she’d uttered the other day to her live-in estranged husband regarding philandering, Susan apologised to Dr K and suggested that perhaps the whole hand-holding-in-an-absolutely-non-romantic-way with Jim the builder a few months back had resulted from all the hurt and pent up resentment she’d unknowingly harboured towards him (so basically it was his own damn fault).

Kyle Canning

The continuing saga of the handyman and the personal trainer

A crippled Kyle Canning (don’t ask) returned from tending to his cosmetically enhanced-on-the-cheap mother, much to the secret delight of Jade who has long since tired of the pig keeper. Moved by an early Christmas gift of a picture frame constructed by her beloved handyman’s own fair hands, she agreed to kiss Kyle under some mistletoe and not just any polite mistletoe type kiss, oh no, but one of those oh-how-I-love-you-in-a-why-do-birds-suddenly-appear-everytime-you-are-near? type kisses. Unsurprisingly this did not lead to immediate declarations of love and happily-ever-afters but to confessions of the I’m-afraid-to-love-as-I-was-beaten-up-by-an-ex-and-now-only-have-naked-adult-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached-type-flings-with-players-and-married-men-including-Malcolm-Kennedy kind and a rather horrified looking Kyle.

Mark Brennan (Neighbours)

And finally…

The less evil of late one legged avast-me-hearties Paul Robinson quizzed the floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming Noah as to what could have possessed his niece to kiss such an oddball as he… no offence. Having learned from a reflective Ark Boy that it had probably been one of those pesky grief induced snogs brought about by learning the terrible news that the only handsome-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way detective with OCD she’d ever loved, Mark Brennan, had snuffed it, Paul immediately went and offered his condolences to the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher/ridiculed assistant in Harold’s Store, and urged Kate to reveal all to Priya, wife of Councillor Kapoor and stand-in headteacher at Erinsborough High, as she was bound to take pity on her and allow her to continue her teacher training. But Kate would do no such thing, swearing Paul to secrecy.

Kate Ramsay

Well naturally Limpalot and Noah told Priya who told Kate, who, if truth be told, was rather annoyed by all this and told Limpalot that under no circumstances what so ever should Sophie be told. Alas, Noah had already told her younger sister what he’d told Paul and Priya and upon being told this an angry Sophie stormed over to Kate’s and told her that he’d told her and demanded to know why she had not been told. Fed up, Kate has now turned her back on teaching and has decided to selflessly put herself first, to hell with younger siblings and responsibility.

Please Sir, can I go to the toilet?

11 Dec
Neighbours

Okay, we’ve all been there. Your zombie loving, do-gooding beloved is feeling down in the dumps because they’ve managed to get the local youth radio station shut down after broadcasting unsubstantiated claims of dodgy council dealings over some shopping centre complex and you want to cheer them up by finishing off their rather dull report about some History Wall painting project which they’re submitting as part of an application for a journalist degree. You take advantage of your evil one legged media mogul/hotelier/failed-recruiter-of-now-sacked-insolent-Polish-cleaners-named-Lorraine-to-spy-on-councillors-named-Ajay-Kapoor father’s offer to use the local newspaper’s cutting edge editing suit, not questioning why he wasted his money on software for editing film footage when he runs a newspaper, when, shock horror, you discover that the time-lapse film of the History Wall painting contains footage of your former dancer/assistant in Harold’s/trainee teacher cousin pashing your slightly odd, floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming classmate.

You have a quiet word with your aforementioned cousin in the most public of places and despite your odd Scottish/Aussie accent getting vaguely unintelligible when anxious your cousin catches the gist of what you’re saying and tells you that your beloved can’t possibly use the film as it’ll end their hopes of becoming a teacher. You explain that the speeded up film of wet paint drying is the only way your zombie loving do-gooding significant other can get onto the journalist course, but your cousin couldn’t care less. So you attempt to edit out the pashing section of the time-lapse film, which rather oddly and most inexplicably slows right down at the point of the kiss, but it doesn’t look quite right… not remotely terrible, but not perfect. However, the alternative is to delete the entire film which wouldn’t go down too well with your beloved. So the choice is simple. No-brainer really.

Promotional photo of Boris Karloff from The Br...

Image via Wikipedia

Having explained to Summer that he’d “accidentally” deleted the entire film footage (l know, I know – take it up with the script writers) Andrew’s beloved had a major Frankenstein revising meltdown and in desperation photographed her post-it-note quotes on her phone and left it in some air vent type thing in the school loos so that she could sneakily refer to them during an emergency mid-exam toilet break. Alas one thing led to another which led to vibrating phones, questionable hygiene, hysterical pleadings, perforated stomach ulcers, collapsing loopy-pill-popping-slightly-weird-about-kormas-jealous-of-hand-holding-mechanics-and-rather-attractive-Serbian-beauticians/hairdressers-surfer-dude head teachers, hospital, gay nurses, guilt, anxious waiting and, thankfully for Summer, a minor case of two-minute amnesia. Yep, Michael doesn’t remember discovering Summer’s cheating.

And finally…

Callum’s attempts to get out of his parent-enforced, pay-towards-the-extra-broad-band-required-for-your-online-dragon-quest-game-yourself-you-lazy-little-sod-lesson-teaching paper round were bested by the presumably still green-fingered, recovering something-or-other and less-annoying-of-late Sonya.

Jade and the married Malcolm Kennedy continued to have naked-adult-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached, apart from a temporary blip when the increasingly smarmy doctor’s son sent her some flowers. The personal trainer, thinking the flowers were from Kyle the absent handyman (the man she secretly loves but is afraid to admit she loves) was proper made up until she discovered Mal had sent them. Unimpressed, she explained to the horny pig keeper that the sending of flowers seriously contravened the whole adult-naked-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached arrangement and must never happen again.

And what of the floppy hatted, guitar strumming Noah and Kate?” you ask. Well, having somehow magicked himself out of Harold’s when Sophie turned up, he then invited himself to Sophie’s welcome-back-from-music-camp dinner and attempted to con Kate into accompanying Sophie and himself to some guitar strumming gig. “So Noah still hasn’t got the message?” Err, not really no, though Kate foiled his fiendish plan by having Lou accompany him and her sister to the gig instead. What was that? Yes, you’re quite right, ‘magicked’ is an odd looking word.

The Personal Trainer and the Pig Keeper

27 Nov

Once upon a time a smarmy Doctor Rhys Lawson invited some work colleagues, his house mates and a few neighbours round to a barbecue party thrown in honour of his general wonderfulness. A time of great merriment was had by all but a married, naked-adult-shenaniganly frustrated pig keeper named Malcolm Kennedy and a feisty personal trainer named Jade.

The pig keeper, having travelled far in a noble quest to save the marriage of his beloved parents, had been parted from his wife, the fair Catherine of England, for many a long month and had begun to lust after the feisty personal trainer. Yet the personal trainer, who had ’til then playfully encouraged such lustings, did now reject the horny pig keeper, choosing the companionship of the gay, Spice Girl loving nurse named Aiden instead.

For the heart of the personal trainer did belong to a handyman named Kyle, a handyman with whom she had had secret knowings in the Biblical sense with absolutely no strings attached, a handyman who had later professed to her feelings of love, a handyman whom she had spurned for she did have like major personal issues, a handyman who had departed Ramsay Street to mop the feverish brow of his buxom malaria suffering mother.

Now the dastardly Doctor Rhys “Freud” Lawson, knowing of the personal trainer’s secret love for the absent handyman, did smugly suggest that the spurning of the man she did truly love resulted from a fear of intimacy and abandonment. Alas, such smug suggestions did not lead to the smiting of the smarmy doctor and the uniting of the handyman and the personal trainer in mutual, heartwarming besottedness but to illicit late night naked adult shenanigans between the horny pig keeper and the confused personal trainer.

Oh how the personal trainer did secretly regret her actions. Oh, how the grinning horny pig keeper did not. Oh when wouldst the feisty personal trainer ever listen to her heart and profess her love for the simple handyman and live happily ever after? Oh dear reader, t’will be nigh on threescore and ten years yet.

Last week on Neighbours…

13 Nov
Kate Ramsay

Image via Wikipedia

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed a new fady-scene-transition-type effect and slow motion tree planting. You also missed…

Forbidden flirting

Mal Kennedy and Jade the personal trainer continued to exchange longing looks and engaged in a bit of flirty football playing while a spurned Kyle the handyman continued to mope.

Reckless revising

Andrew, Robinson, the oddly Aussie/Scottish accented son of Darth Paul, advised mood food expert Chris Pappas to revise for his exams in order to keep his “orptions orpen” (the pie scoffing Chris had decided to concentrate on fixing cars rather than study in the belief that failing his exams would scupper Pappa Pappas’s plans to pack him off to uni).

A heartbroken hubby

Susan and Karl invited Toadie and Sonya over for a roast dinner to break the devastating news that they had decided to separate (again) but reassured them it was all very amicable (Susan still regards Karl as her bestest friend in the whole wide world). Alas, a crushed and heartbroken Dr K, fighting back the tears, later told his deluded wife that he couldn’t bear to live in the same street as her, let alone be her friend.

The continuing saga of the student-trainee teacher crush

Andrew Robinson once more warned his cousin, the former dancing trainee teacher and assistant in Harold’s Store Kate Ramsay, that the guitar strumming floppy woolly hatted Noah was hopelessly besotted with her. The perceptive-as-ever Kate dismissed such claims as ludicrous and then smiled innocently at Ark Boy as he serenaded her with a newly penned tune about his love for a former dancing, trainee teacher and assistant in Harold’s named Kate.

Dark surfer-dude secrets

Tash was whisked off to Charlie’s by her Serbian hairdressing aunty, Emilia Jovanovic, part way through a mock exam (long story) and discovered… brace yourselves… she twiddles her hair like her mum. “What?” you cry, “was that it?” Well no, to be fair she did ask Emilia how her mum had died. And what did her rather attractive Serbian hairdressing aunty tell her? Err… that she should talk to her dad. Rather than quizzing Michael, her increasingly crazy surfer-dude head teacher father (he’s still having visions of his damp and deceased former beauty queen wife and has now started seeing a therapist – a real one, not imaginary), Tash has decided to apply for her mum’s death certificate when she turns 18 in a few weeks time.

Deceased detectives and overly hysterical horticulturists

And finally… Kate decided it was time to sell the motorbike of her former love, Mark Brennan the handsome-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way detective with OCD, who was driven off into the night many months ago by a dodgy Scottish detective as part of a police witness protection programme to live who knows where as who knows who doing who knows what. Such a simple decision would have been fine had it not been for the interference of Toadie and his overemotional mac wearing green fingered beloved Sonya who have known for some time now that Brennan had snuffed it (allegedly). One thing led to another which led to the solemn secret planting of a tree in memory of the deceased detective, an inquisitive Callum, the hysterical blurting of dead detective secrets, a devastated Callum, the return of the dodgy Scottish detective, a self righteous-in-a-you-want-to-give-him-a-good-slap-kind-of-way lawyer, and a decision to end all the misery inducing secrecy by leading the blissfully ignorant and happy Kate to the Police Station to learn the awful misery inducing truth.

Puzzle of the week

How come Toadie and Sonya hadn’t already learned of Karl and Susan’s separation when Summer, Mal, Kate, Paul and Andrew have known for a week or two?

Subtlest plot signposting of the week

Given the number of times a certain time-lapse camera Summer rigged up to film the painting of the History Wall has been ever-so-subtly mentioned of late (what’s that?… a camera… a camera?… yes a camera… do we have to turn it off?… no, it’s filming all the time… all the time?… yes, all the time) I think it’s safe to assume it’ll play some pivotal role in the future.