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Previously on Neighbours…

12 Feb

Neighbours

Ingenious surgery, sick wheelchair-bound mothers and cunning plans

Having discovered the lifeless form of Chris Pappas at the garage the smarmy Dr Rhys Lawson was forced to operate there and then using only a Stanley knife, some rubber tubing, a toilet roll tube and some sticky-back plastic. Oh how the nurses did gaze at him with awe and wonder when they learned how he had saved the life of the young apprentice mechanic. Oh how he did delight in retelling such lifesaving exploits to his proud sick wheelchair-bound mother (yes I’d forgotten about her too). But oh how he did grimace when his proud sick wheelchair-bound mother did declare how thankful Erinsborough Hospital must be to have such a clever, clever man as he on the surgeon training programme.

Marching into the head of the surgeon training programme’s office Dr Lawson demanded she allow him to join the programme that very day because he was, lets face it, totally awesome. Alas this did not lead to we-were-fools-to-turn-you-down-come-join-us-Dr-Lawson-type congratulations but to rejections of the you’re-an-arrogant-smarmy-git-who’ll–just-have-to-reapply-for-the-programme-next-year-unless-one-of-the-trainee-surgeons-should-happen-to-fall-under-a-bus-in-the-near-future kind. What was that? Err, no he didn’t – I think there’s some doctorly hippocratic oath forbidding the pushing of trainee surgeons under buses. Instead, the cunning doctor decided to befriend one of the successful candidates and attempt to convince him to drop out. How? Psychology that’s how. Did it work? No, failed miserably.

Toadfish Rebecchi

I’m innocent, innocent I tell you!

Framed by his nasty boss Peter Noonan, Toadie was arrested by the dodgy detective with the Scottish accent, Taggart, and charged with orchestrating the bashing of Chris. In desperation Toadie turned to the evil one legged boo-hiss-he’s-behind-you Paul Robinson for help in his fight to prove his innocence. But just as Limpalot looked as though he was about to unearth evidence that might save Toadie’s neck the Council pulled the plug on the Shopping Centre project, a jubilant Robinson lost all interest in helping the disgraced lawyer and one particular viewer lost his rag over his lousy tv reception (seriously, is digital tv really better than analogue?)

Bouncer (Neighbours)

Custody battles, flirty surfing, relationship issues, tattoo revelations and absolutely no double entendres

Karl and Susan bickered over who got to keep Summer now that they’d split (again) and it looked like we were heading for a re-enactment of that iconic scene where Bouncer had to choose between Mike and Mrs Mangle. In the end Dr K won/lost (delete as appropriate) much to the dismay of a rejected Mrs K.

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

The recuperating surfer-dude head teacher Michael Williams spent the week grinning his goofy lovestruck grin at Emilia, the rather attractive and increasingly part-time beautician/hairdresser and girlfriend of Lucas Fitzgerald, the former motorcycle racing champion/exhibiting photographer/mechanic. After a bit of reminiscing and surfing in the garden (long story) it looks as though the pair may be heading for a re-enactment of the naked adult shenanigans of yesteryear in the back of the Sandman (minus the drowning wife and daughter of course).

Jade Mitchell

Just when you thought Jade Mitchell and Kyle the handyman had finally got it together the crippled personal trainer (don’t ask) now has issues of the I-can’t-act-as-though-we’re-a-proper-couple-or-cook-you-breakfast-because-I-was-bashed-about-by-an-ex-kind.

Chris Pappas

And Chris Pappas, high on painkillers, confessed that the unfortunate mix up over the oddly Scottish/Aussie accented Andrew Robinson’s Chinese ‘Pickles’ tattoo had in fact been a deliberate schoolies jape then apologised to Summer for the whole dating-her-when-he-knew-he-was-gay-thing a year or so ago, admitted he didn’t like her muffin and asked Aiden the gay nurse for a sausage roll. Hang on a second…

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Last week on Neighbours…

5 Feb

Neighbours

Ticket to ride

Kyle the handyman took the news of Jade’s naked-adult-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached with the now departed Mal Kennedy rather badly (I know, shocking). Despite tearfully confessing to her beloved that she loved him, had loved him for months and had only rejected his declarations of love and slept with the pig keeper in a desperate attempt to get over such feelings, an unmoved Kyle told the personal trainer that he could never ever forgive her. Faced with such spurnings and keen to avoid further earache of the hysterically-judgemental-smock-wearing-sisterly kind, Jade fled to the city to catch a bus heading to yet another city unaware that her beloved handyman had, upon further reflection, decided to forgive her after all and was in hot pursuit. Oh the edge of the seat will-they/won’t-they-Christmas-carol-filled minutes of drama that followed. Oh the heart warming joyous uniting of the handyman and the personal trainer in mutual besottedness. Oh thank God that storyline is finally over.

Karl Kennedy

Caught between goodbye and I love you

A crushed and tearful Karl Kennedy was reluctantly forced to accept that his wife no longer loved him in a ransacking-of-the-blue-box-kind-of-way after one of those trapped-in-a-storage-container-heart-to-hearts (long story). Susan, keen to put some considerable distance between herself and her heartbroken hubby and begin a new Dr K-less carefree chapter in her life has now decided to pack up her bags and… move in with Toadie.

Chris Pappas

Help!

Chris “Freckles” Pappas was bashed over the head with a spanner by the mysterious individual who had been secretly observing the goings-on at Fitzgerald Motors. Well, one thing led to another which led to hospital, gay Spice Girl loving nurse-type ministrations, ill-advised dischargings, red herrings, concerned Greek fathers, CCTV footage, lucky coincidences, accusations of the hiring-of-thugs-by-dodgy-city-lawyers-to-persuade-mechanics-to-sell-up-and-allow-the-Shopping-Centre-to-proceed kind, shocking impending-life-in-peril-type x-ray results and some rather ropey broken-rib-punctures-lung-putting-life-in-peril-type acting.

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

And finally…

The recuperating surfer-dude head teacher Michael Williams, his less troublesome of late daughter Tash and the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician/sister-in-law/aunty Emilia drove to the beach where the former Serbian beauty queen wife/mother/sister had drowned whilst trying to save the life of Tash all those years ago. Keen for some alone time to reflect on drowned mothers and stare forlornly into the middle distance, Tash went for a stroll leaving a guilty Michael and Emilia to ponder whether Helena would have still been alive today if they hadn’t been engaged in naked adult shenanigans in the back of the Sandman and the viewer to ponder whether Emilia (who seemed rather taken with Lucas’s wooing in the back of his van a few weeks back) has a bit of a thing for men with utility vehicles.

Please Sir, can I go to the toilet?

11 Dec
Neighbours

Okay, we’ve all been there. Your zombie loving, do-gooding beloved is feeling down in the dumps because they’ve managed to get the local youth radio station shut down after broadcasting unsubstantiated claims of dodgy council dealings over some shopping centre complex and you want to cheer them up by finishing off their rather dull report about some History Wall painting project which they’re submitting as part of an application for a journalist degree. You take advantage of your evil one legged media mogul/hotelier/failed-recruiter-of-now-sacked-insolent-Polish-cleaners-named-Lorraine-to-spy-on-councillors-named-Ajay-Kapoor father’s offer to use the local newspaper’s cutting edge editing suit, not questioning why he wasted his money on software for editing film footage when he runs a newspaper, when, shock horror, you discover that the time-lapse film of the History Wall painting contains footage of your former dancer/assistant in Harold’s/trainee teacher cousin pashing your slightly odd, floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming classmate.

You have a quiet word with your aforementioned cousin in the most public of places and despite your odd Scottish/Aussie accent getting vaguely unintelligible when anxious your cousin catches the gist of what you’re saying and tells you that your beloved can’t possibly use the film as it’ll end their hopes of becoming a teacher. You explain that the speeded up film of wet paint drying is the only way your zombie loving do-gooding significant other can get onto the journalist course, but your cousin couldn’t care less. So you attempt to edit out the pashing section of the time-lapse film, which rather oddly and most inexplicably slows right down at the point of the kiss, but it doesn’t look quite right… not remotely terrible, but not perfect. However, the alternative is to delete the entire film which wouldn’t go down too well with your beloved. So the choice is simple. No-brainer really.

Promotional photo of Boris Karloff from The Br...

Image via Wikipedia

Having explained to Summer that he’d “accidentally” deleted the entire film footage (l know, I know – take it up with the script writers) Andrew’s beloved had a major Frankenstein revising meltdown and in desperation photographed her post-it-note quotes on her phone and left it in some air vent type thing in the school loos so that she could sneakily refer to them during an emergency mid-exam toilet break. Alas one thing led to another which led to vibrating phones, questionable hygiene, hysterical pleadings, perforated stomach ulcers, collapsing loopy-pill-popping-slightly-weird-about-kormas-jealous-of-hand-holding-mechanics-and-rather-attractive-Serbian-beauticians/hairdressers-surfer-dude head teachers, hospital, gay nurses, guilt, anxious waiting and, thankfully for Summer, a minor case of two-minute amnesia. Yep, Michael doesn’t remember discovering Summer’s cheating.

And finally…

Callum’s attempts to get out of his parent-enforced, pay-towards-the-extra-broad-band-required-for-your-online-dragon-quest-game-yourself-you-lazy-little-sod-lesson-teaching paper round were bested by the presumably still green-fingered, recovering something-or-other and less-annoying-of-late Sonya.

Jade and the married Malcolm Kennedy continued to have naked-adult-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached, apart from a temporary blip when the increasingly smarmy doctor’s son sent her some flowers. The personal trainer, thinking the flowers were from Kyle the absent handyman (the man she secretly loves but is afraid to admit she loves) was proper made up until she discovered Mal had sent them. Unimpressed, she explained to the horny pig keeper that the sending of flowers seriously contravened the whole adult-naked-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached arrangement and must never happen again.

And what of the floppy hatted, guitar strumming Noah and Kate?” you ask. Well, having somehow magicked himself out of Harold’s when Sophie turned up, he then invited himself to Sophie’s welcome-back-from-music-camp dinner and attempted to con Kate into accompanying Sophie and himself to some guitar strumming gig. “So Noah still hasn’t got the message?” Err, not really no, though Kate foiled his fiendish plan by having Lou accompany him and her sister to the gig instead. What was that? Yes, you’re quite right, ‘magicked’ is an odd looking word.

Last week on Neighbours…

18 Sep

Jim the builder is clinging on, just. In an attempt to cheer his wife up Dr Karl Kennedy took over from the smarmy Dr Rhys as Jim’s attending physician. Susan, who has spent the week saying “Jim” rather a lot, bringing in baskets of goodies to cheer “Jim” up and reading the footy news to “Jim” as though she were reading bedside stories to a child named “Jim”, was proper made up for “Jim” as she didn’t like the way the smarmy and uncaring Dr Rhys had been looking after “Jim”. Alas, Dr K, who hasn’t been to the gym for a while, told her that “Jim” was far to sick to visit some childhood home in Anglesea, a lifelong dream Susan…I mean “Jim”… wants to fulfill before he dies. Susan, upon hearing the news about “Jim” rushed to comfort “Jim”. Hand holding in an absolutely non-romantic way progressed to rather shocking hugs and forehead kissing in an absolutely non-romantic way, all of which was secretly witnessed by a jealous and seething Karl who later refused to administer extra and potentially life threatening pain killers to a surprisingly robust and healthy looking “Jim”, despite Susan’s whining. Disappointed by her horrid husband’s uncaring attitude Susan turned to the handsome and lovely Dr Rhys who was sure to ease the suffering of her beloved “Jim”. Unmoved, Dr Rhys told her to sod off.

After discovering that his oddly accented son had turned his “hoose” into a “horstel” for backpackers, the evil hotelier with a limp, Paul Robinson, decided to teach him a lesson. He cunningly led Andrew to believe he was getting him an “ooodi” for his 18th birthday and then presented him with an old VW beetle formerly owned by Pickles the Clown.

Hell appeared to have frozen over briefly when Paul offered a drink and parenting advice to his nemesis, Michael the increasingly forlorn surfer dude head teacher who’d had a fling with his wife, Rebecca (though to be fair their marriage was going through a bit of a rough patch after the cheating, balcony pushing and blackmailing). Parenting advice from a man with a banged up son who once blew up a plane full of Ramsay Street residents and attempted to shoot his father dead, a spoiled daughter who once conned him out of his hotel and house and blew up a former nightclubbing nun’s veggy van out of petty jealousy, and a son with dubious morals and a dubious accent? Hmm.

After a night of partaying, Tash the prawn, determined to have some fun with her friends before being packed off to boarding school, suggested she, Andrew, Summer and Chris go for a dip in Toadie’s pool. One thing led to another, which led to some shoving, head bashing, extreme dampness, life saving, split screen craziness, an ambulance, Erinsborough Hospital (where most things tend to lead these days), strangely for Neighbours absolutely no amnesia, some odd drowning at sea dreams, some odd drowning at sea flashbacks and an even more forlorn and rather guilty looking Michael. Intriguing.

Jade decided that the only way of getting over Kyle the handyman was to get under Kyle the handyman. Naked adult shenanigans with absolutely no emotional messy relationship type strings attached ensued in the bedroom and later the kitchen floor. Alas, Jade is still hopelessly besotted while Kyle is just chuffed to be having naked adult shenanigans with absolutely no emotional messy relationship type strings attached.

And finally… Lucas, the wealthy mechanic and giver of electric guitars to increasingly sullen teenagers named Sophie, dumped Michelle the chatty flaky florist after she started planning a romantic getaway for the pair. Lucas thought Michelle had taken it all rather well. Alas, he didn’t witness the slightly manic fist clenching, a hint of bunny-boiling madness about the eyes, and the sad demise of Mr Watson the dolphin statue.