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The Personal Trainer and the Pig Keeper

27 Nov

Once upon a time a smarmy Doctor Rhys Lawson invited some work colleagues, his house mates and a few neighbours round to a barbecue party thrown in honour of his general wonderfulness. A time of great merriment was had by all but a married, naked-adult-shenaniganly frustrated pig keeper named Malcolm Kennedy and a feisty personal trainer named Jade.

The pig keeper, having travelled far in a noble quest to save the marriage of his beloved parents, had been parted from his wife, the fair Catherine of England, for many a long month and had begun to lust after the feisty personal trainer. Yet the personal trainer, who had ’til then playfully encouraged such lustings, did now reject the horny pig keeper, choosing the companionship of the gay, Spice Girl loving nurse named Aiden instead.

For the heart of the personal trainer did belong to a handyman named Kyle, a handyman with whom she had had secret knowings in the Biblical sense with absolutely no strings attached, a handyman who had later professed to her feelings of love, a handyman whom she had spurned for she did have like major personal issues, a handyman who had departed Ramsay Street to mop the feverish brow of his buxom malaria suffering mother.

Now the dastardly Doctor Rhys “Freud” Lawson, knowing of the personal trainer’s secret love for the absent handyman, did smugly suggest that the spurning of the man she did truly love resulted from a fear of intimacy and abandonment. Alas, such smug suggestions did not lead to the smiting of the smarmy doctor and the uniting of the handyman and the personal trainer in mutual, heartwarming besottedness but to illicit late night naked adult shenanigans between the horny pig keeper and the confused personal trainer.

Oh how the personal trainer did secretly regret her actions. Oh, how the grinning horny pig keeper did not. Oh when wouldst the feisty personal trainer ever listen to her heart and profess her love for the simple handyman and live happily ever after? Oh dear reader, t’will be nigh on threescore and ten years yet.