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In no more than 100 words recap last week’s goings-on in Neighbours…

15 Apr

View of Pin Oak Court, (also known as Ramsay S...

There was sperm-sample-race-against-the-clock farce and failed evil one-legged attempts to “buy” a campaigning councillor Ajay Kapoor. Summer was hired as Erinsborough News online editor-something-or-other after boosting paper sales with thrilling stories of the proposed-new-community-centre-will-result-in-the-scrapping-of-the-local-Police-Station kind. A guilt-ridden Kate temporarily scuppered the dastardly doctor’s plan to break up Jyle and pondered which new top to wear. Oddly Aussie/Scottish accented manager-type attempts to promote Red Cotton concerts at Charlie’s led to recycled way-dornt-yooze-or-may-daaah-ever-sepport-may mornings/moaning. And Lucas, having accidentally discovered Emilia and Michael together, shouted a bit, drank a lot and one-night-standed a rather attractive woman who served up a mean omelette.

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Naked adult shenanigans and dastardly doctorly doings

9 Apr

Movings on, apologies, eeee-yew type stuff and surprisingly fast plot development.

Susan moved out of the sperm promoting seaweed smoothie drinking Toadie’s house and into the Kennedy storage container/a new apartment (delete as appropriate), thrilled at the prospect of living alone and having the opportunity to discover herself and not remotely bothered that her estranged hubby Karl has reluctantly started dating his much taller fun-run partner and smitten colleague Jessica, the head of surgery.

Summer Hoyland

Summer embarked on a campaign to convince Limpalot to give her a job at the Erinsborough News, apologised to Tash for causing her father’s collapse with all the fake pregnancy/dating a slimy gardener/online topless photos/graffiti/selling treasured Bad Love albums to fund a nose job/near death swimming pool antics/genealogical research type grief she’d put him through (hang on…) and advised her mathletic friend how to deal with her dad’s recent revelation that he and her aunty were in love and wanted to be together. Hmm? How the heck did that come about? Well…

Michael Williams (Neighbours)

Emila became stranded in a car park without a car (don’t ask) and phoned the previously spurned surfer-dude for assistance. A grinning Michael leapt into the Sandman and after a brief ignition problem of the obvious-sign-posting-of-future-ignition-problem-plot kind sped off to rescue his beloved. What was that? Did the Sandman fail to start once Michael had picked up the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician? Funnily enough it did and having phoned Fitzgerald Motors breakdown recovery service the pair decided to pass the time engaged in naked adult shenanigans of yesteryear (as you do).

Natasha Williams (Neighbours)

The young gay apprentice mechanic Chris Pappas soon arrived on the scene and upon discovering a pink and presumably still warm bra in the front of the Sandman twigged what Michael and Emilia had been up to and later advised his former surfer-dude head teacher to tell Tash what was going on (minus the sordid details). And rather surprisingly Michael did. After a brief “Oh how could you have kept this from me” tantrum Tash has now accepted the situation though is still unaware that the pair had once engaged in adulterous naked adult shenanigans in the Sandman which had contributed to the drowning of her tiara wearing Serbian beauty queen mother. “And what of Lucas?” Oh he still has no idea that his ex beloved and best mate are together but I’m sure he’ll take it really well. Really well indeed.

Despicably cunning plans

Darcy Tyler

Vaguely determined to steal the handyman she’d always loved but didn’t realise she’d always loved from her friend without actually stealing the handyman from her friend, because that would just be horrid, the sweet and innocent Kate “jokingly” bet the dastardly Dr Rhys Lawson, that though most women were incapable of resisting his smarmy charms he would never be able to seduce Jade. Sneaky? Quite. Well, one thing led, as it so often does, to another which inevitably led to bare chests, laundry sabotage, reluctant agreeings to meet granny Canning, large bills for the care of secret sick wheelchair bound mothers, laundry rage, cutting “rich mummy’s boy” put downs and vengeful doctorly determinations to scupper the personal trainer’s happiness.

Jade Mitchell

Using his evil psychological super powers, the smarmy trainee surgeon convinced Jade that it was far too early for her to meet any of Kyle’s family, let alone his granny, and that he, unlike her beloved handyman, truly understood how she felt about such matters for he was, let’s face it, a damned nice fellow as well as devastatingly good looking, and to prove it handed her a new white top to replace the one that he’d “accidentally” ruined with his pink shirt. And? Well she appeared a bit baffled by such acts of apologetic top giving, which is presumably what the loathsome Lawson intended and will somehow lead to unlikely lustful longings before too long.

Puzzle of the week: A minor one, but had Chris obtained a school pass from reception before going to see Michael or had the scriptwriters forgotten this previously unheard of rule they were so keen to bang on about the other week?

The Personal Trainer and the Pig Keeper

27 Nov

Once upon a time a smarmy Doctor Rhys Lawson invited some work colleagues, his house mates and a few neighbours round to a barbecue party thrown in honour of his general wonderfulness. A time of great merriment was had by all but a married, naked-adult-shenaniganly frustrated pig keeper named Malcolm Kennedy and a feisty personal trainer named Jade.

The pig keeper, having travelled far in a noble quest to save the marriage of his beloved parents, had been parted from his wife, the fair Catherine of England, for many a long month and had begun to lust after the feisty personal trainer. Yet the personal trainer, who had ’til then playfully encouraged such lustings, did now reject the horny pig keeper, choosing the companionship of the gay, Spice Girl loving nurse named Aiden instead.

For the heart of the personal trainer did belong to a handyman named Kyle, a handyman with whom she had had secret knowings in the Biblical sense with absolutely no strings attached, a handyman who had later professed to her feelings of love, a handyman whom she had spurned for she did have like major personal issues, a handyman who had departed Ramsay Street to mop the feverish brow of his buxom malaria suffering mother.

Now the dastardly Doctor Rhys “Freud” Lawson, knowing of the personal trainer’s secret love for the absent handyman, did smugly suggest that the spurning of the man she did truly love resulted from a fear of intimacy and abandonment. Alas, such smug suggestions did not lead to the smiting of the smarmy doctor and the uniting of the handyman and the personal trainer in mutual, heartwarming besottedness but to illicit late night naked adult shenanigans between the horny pig keeper and the confused personal trainer.

Oh how the personal trainer did secretly regret her actions. Oh, how the grinning horny pig keeper did not. Oh when wouldst the feisty personal trainer ever listen to her heart and profess her love for the simple handyman and live happily ever after? Oh dear reader, t’will be nigh on threescore and ten years yet.