He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy

God’s gift to Erinsborough, the dastardly Dr Lawson, broke his poor wheelchair-bound mother’s heart after she discovered he was too embarrassed to introduce her to his house mates, had got onto the trainee surgeon programme through foul means and was no better than his shallow, self-serving father who’d abandoned them years ago. The spermalogically challenged Toadie vowed to spend more time with his beloved baby-obsessed green-fingered recovering something-or-other Sonya and adopted son Callum. A broke Lou embarked on a short-lived get-rich-quick-health-tonic scam (don’t ask). Kate, the former dancer/disgraced trainee teacher/part-time assistant in Harold’s, gave her less-sullen-of-late sister Sophie and her friend Rani a makeover (I know, thrilling). Limpalot invited half of Erinsborough to Tash’s late night “I’m-so-happy-my-father-abandoned-me” party using a fictitious Facebook account as part of a cunning anti-Councillor-Kapoor-type plan (long story). And Summer Annoyland, having told Andrew she wanted a break, changed her mind only to discover her oddly accented beloved in Tash’s bed pashing some student journalist.

And finally…

These Ramsay Street recaps are going to be a bit less frequent for a while. One thing has led, as it so often does, to another which oddly hasn’t led to exploding veggy vans, evil twins, unhinged mothers and fake spiritualists, but has ultimately led to less time in which to compile these pointless plot summaries. If you’re looking for another Neighbours recap site (Aussie pace) you might want to check out the following: http://recaparama.wordpress.com

Favourite part of blogging so far? Checking out the search terms used to find this site. Given the number of searches for “shrugalero” I’m thinking there’s a market out there for Donna’s famous/infamous (delete as appropriate) fashion garment. To the Google users who found this site by searching for “girl vs horny pig”, “naked Serbian girls”, “naked married men” and “gay naked mechanics”, sorry to disappoint.

Naked adult shenanigans and dastardly doctorly doings

Movings on, apologies, eeee-yew type stuff and surprisingly fast plot development.

Susan moved out of the sperm promoting seaweed smoothie drinking Toadie’s house and into the Kennedy storage container/a new apartment (delete as appropriate), thrilled at the prospect of living alone and having the opportunity to discover herself and not remotely bothered that her estranged hubby Karl has reluctantly started dating his much taller fun-run partner and smitten colleague Jessica, the head of surgery.

Summer embarked on a campaign to convince Limpalot to give her a job at the Erinsborough News, apologised to Tash for causing her father’s collapse with all the fake pregnancy/dating a slimy gardener/online topless photos/graffiti/selling treasured Bad Love albums to fund a nose job/near death swimming pool antics/genealogical research type grief she’d put him through (hang on…) and advised her mathletic friend how to deal with her dad’s recent revelation that he and her aunty were in love and wanted to be together. Hmm? How the heck did that come about? Well…

Emila became stranded in a car park without a car (don’t ask) and phoned the previously spurned surfer-dude for assistance. A grinning Michael leapt into the Sandman and after a brief ignition problem of the obvious-sign-posting-of-future-ignition-problem-plot kind sped off to rescue his beloved. What was that? Did the Sandman fail to start once Michael had picked up the rather attractive hairdresser/beautician? Funnily enough it did and having phoned Fitzgerald Motors breakdown recovery service the pair decided to pass the time engaged in naked adult shenanigans of yesteryear (as you do).

The young gay apprentice mechanic Chris Pappas soon arrived on the scene and upon discovering a pink and presumably still warm bra in the front of the Sandman twigged what Michael and Emilia had been up to and later advised his former surfer-dude head teacher to tell Tash what was going on (minus the sordid details). And rather surprisingly Michael did. After a brief “Oh how could you have kept this from me” tantrum Tash has now accepted the situation though is still unaware that the pair had once engaged in adulterous naked adult shenanigans in the Sandman which had contributed to the drowning of her tiara wearing Serbian beauty queen mother. “And what of Lucas?” Oh he still has no idea that his ex beloved and best mate are together but I’m sure he’ll take it really well. Really well indeed.

Despicably cunning plans

Vaguely determined to steal the handyman she’d always loved but didn’t realise she’d always loved from her friend without actually stealing the handyman from her friend, because that would just be horrid, the sweet and innocent Kate “jokingly” bet the dastardly Dr Rhys Lawson, that though most women were incapable of resisting his smarmy charms he would never be able to seduce Jade. Sneaky? Quite. Well, one thing led, as it so often does, to another which inevitably led to bare chests, laundry sabotage, reluctant agreeings to meet granny Canning, large bills for the care of secret sick wheelchair bound mothers, laundry rage, cutting “rich mummy’s boy” put downs and vengeful doctorly determinations to scupper the personal trainer’s happiness.

Using his evil psychological super powers, the smarmy trainee surgeon convinced Jade that it was far too early for her to meet any of Kyle’s family, let alone his granny, and that he, unlike her beloved handyman, truly understood how she felt about such matters for he was, let’s face it, a damned nice fellow as well as devastatingly good looking, and to prove it handed her a new white top to replace the one that he’d “accidentally” ruined with his pink shirt. And? Well she appeared a bit baffled by such acts of apologetic top giving, which is presumably what the loathsome Lawson intended and will somehow lead to unlikely lustful longings before too long.

Puzzle of the week: A minor one, but had Chris obtained a school pass from reception before going to see Michael or had the scriptwriters forgotten this previously unheard of rule they were so keen to bang on about the other week?

Despicable? Moi?

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed conception calendars, burst beanbags, disturbing put-you-off-your-tea teenage snogging and strewth-it’s-hot-type acting. You also missed…

The continuing saga of the dastardly doctor

An angry Dr K confronted the dastardly Dr Lawson and told him he hadn’t appreciated being used as part of the smarmy doctor’s plan to get shot of Erin and was going to inform Jessica, the head of the surgeon training programme, of his despicable deviousness. “So justice was done, Erin was reinstated and the smug doctor’s evil Robinsonesque plan ultimately thwarted?” Err… no. Lawson responded to Karl’s accusation with a wounded “how could you think me capable of such dastardly doings?” and immediately cast doubt in the gullible doctor’s mind. “No!” Afraid so.

Well one thing led to another which led to mopey coffee drinking, an enlightening chat with the former dancer/former disgraced trainee teacher/part time assistant in Harold’s/part time party girl, another threat to reveal all and pleadings of the this-is-my-sick-wheelchair-bound-mother-who-I’ve-had-to-look-after-since-I-was-a-lad-pleeease-don’t-dob-me-in-as-I’ve-got-to-become-a-surgeon-as-soon-as-possible-so-that-I-can-create-a-world-where-there-are-no-more-sick-wheelchair-bound-mothers kind. Alas, the soft-hearted Dr K didn’t dob him in but suggested to Jessica that it would do the young doctor good to wait a year before being admitted on to the surgeon training programme. “And?” Oh she set Rhys some test, he aced it and she let him on the programme immediately.

Tearful farewells

The fluffy Kennedy pooch Audrey passed away (very sad) and was laid to rest with great solemnity at Sonya’s Nursery after a brief bit of farce involving a cool box, canine body snatching, refuse collectors and bribery (don’t ask).

Bag packing

Kate and Erin became friends and rather than plot how to exact their revenge on the smarmy Doctor Lawson (vaguely disappointing) discussed heading off to live on a beach somewhere and leaving their everyday worries and responsibilities behind. And after yet more sullen sisterly snubbing Kate has done just that and without so much as a farewell text.

Inconvenient dumping

Sophie decided Corey wasn’t the boy for her after all (turned out he wasn’t into her kind of music, liked geeky online dragon quest computer games and was basically Callum) but after a bit of oddly Scottish/Aussie accented bribery continued to date him so as not to scupper Andrew’s dream of managing Corey’s big bro’s band Red Cotton. Alas, the guilt became too much for the bass playing Sophie and she confessed all to a crushed Corey who immediately told his older brother thus ending her cousin’s latest get-rich-quick scheme (hmm, I haven’t used ‘thus’ since 1997).

A new regime

Priya Kapoor was appointed as the new head teacher of Erinsborough High and immediately set about reversing the former Surfer-dude head’s laid back “call me Mike” type policies, cancelled Mr Fitzgerald’s leave to visit his brother and enrolled her young Bollywood loving daughter Rani at the school.

And finally…

Lucas decided to tell Emilia that he loved her unaware that his best mate Michael had earlier confessed feelings of besottedness to his beloved under a school desk (long story). Struggling to suppress her own feelings of besottedness for the former head teacher, the beautician/hairdresser/naked model for arty-type photos flashed a ‘that’s nice’ smile at the disappointed mechanic and the following day, after a bit of outdoor pondering of the musical-interlude-with-a-bit-of-interspersed-spurned-jogging kind, met Michael at Lassiters Lake and told him that she reciprocated his goofy smile inducing feelings.

But having since learned of the true depth of Lucas’s besottedness for his sister-in-law, Michael decided he couldn’t break the heart of his best and non-imaginary mate (anyone else miss Ritchie?) and told Emilia that she had totally misinterpreted his earlier declarations of besottedness and was sorry if he’d misled her. So Emila has decided to stick with Lucas and though unable to tell him that she loves him has done the next best thing – given him the keys to her place. What was that? Yes it probably would mean more if he knew where she lived.

Previously on Neighbours…

Ingenious surgery, sick wheelchair-bound mothers and cunning plans

Having discovered the lifeless form of Chris Pappas at the garage the smarmy Dr Rhys Lawson was forced to operate there and then using only a Stanley knife, some rubber tubing, a toilet roll tube and some sticky-back plastic. Oh how the nurses did gaze at him with awe and wonder when they learned how he had saved the life of the young apprentice mechanic. Oh how he did delight in retelling such lifesaving exploits to his proud sick wheelchair-bound mother (yes I’d forgotten about her too). But oh how he did grimace when his proud sick wheelchair-bound mother did declare how thankful Erinsborough Hospital must be to have such a clever, clever man as he on the surgeon training programme.

Marching into the head of the surgeon training programme’s office Dr Lawson demanded she allow him to join the programme that very day because he was, lets face it, totally awesome. Alas this did not lead to we-were-fools-to-turn-you-down-come-join-us-Dr-Lawson-type congratulations but to rejections of the you’re-an-arrogant-smarmy-git-who’ll–just-have-to-reapply-for-the-programme-next-year-unless-one-of-the-trainee-surgeons-should-happen-to-fall-under-a-bus-in-the-near-future kind. What was that? Err, no he didn’t – I think there’s some doctorly hippocratic oath forbidding the pushing of trainee surgeons under buses. Instead, the cunning doctor decided to befriend one of the successful candidates and attempt to convince him to drop out. How? Psychology that’s how. Did it work? No, failed miserably.

I’m innocent, innocent I tell you!

Framed by his nasty boss Peter Noonan, Toadie was arrested by the dodgy detective with the Scottish accent, Taggart, and charged with orchestrating the bashing of Chris. In desperation Toadie turned to the evil one legged boo-hiss-he’s-behind-you Paul Robinson for help in his fight to prove his innocence. But just as Limpalot looked as though he was about to unearth evidence that might save Toadie’s neck the Council pulled the plug on the Shopping Centre project, a jubilant Robinson lost all interest in helping the disgraced lawyer and one particular viewer lost his rag over his lousy tv reception (seriously, is digital tv really better than analogue?)

Custody battles, flirty surfing, relationship issues, tattoo revelations and absolutely no double entendres

Karl and Susan bickered over who got to keep Summer now that they’d split (again) and it looked like we were heading for a re-enactment of that iconic scene where Bouncer had to choose between Mike and Mrs Mangle. In the end Dr K won/lost (delete as appropriate) much to the dismay of a rejected Mrs K.

The recuperating surfer-dude head teacher Michael Williams spent the week grinning his goofy lovestruck grin at Emilia, the rather attractive and increasingly part-time beautician/hairdresser and girlfriend of Lucas Fitzgerald, the former motorcycle racing champion/exhibiting photographer/mechanic. After a bit of reminiscing and surfing in the garden (long story) it looks as though the pair may be heading for a re-enactment of the naked adult shenanigans of yesteryear in the back of the Sandman (minus the drowning wife and daughter of course).

Just when you thought Jade Mitchell and Kyle the handyman had finally got it together the crippled personal trainer (don’t ask) now has issues of the I-can’t-act-as-though-we’re-a-proper-couple-or-cook-you-breakfast-because-I-was-bashed-about-by-an-ex-kind.

And Chris Pappas, high on painkillers, confessed that the unfortunate mix up over the oddly Scottish/Aussie accented Andrew Robinson’s Chinese ‘Pickles’ tattoo had in fact been a deliberate schoolies jape then apologised to Summer for the whole dating-her-when-he-knew-he-was-gay-thing a year or so ago, admitted he didn’t like her muffin and asked Aiden the gay nurse for a sausage roll. Hang on a second…

Last week on Neighbours…

Lost in translation

Kate the former dancer/trainee teacher/assistant in Harold’s reluctantly went to Charlie‘s to watch her younger sister Sophie play her first gig with the floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming Noah as part of some “Save PirateNet” rally. All was going surprisingly well guitar strumming wise and Noah finally seemed to have accepted that the kiss hadn’t meant a thing, Kate didn’t love him and nothing was ever going to happen between them, when she told the behatted boy she was sorry how she’d treated him over the past few weeks and could they start again? What was that? Did Ark Boy somehow misinterpret her words as “I’m sorry for playing so hard to get over the past few weeks, I was a fool, I love you and do you still have that bottle of lotion?” Well funnily enough he did.

Keen to have some time alone with his beloved, Noah asked the unsuspecting Kate to accompany him to his van to give him a hand unloading “The Beast”. What was that? No, it’s the name he’s given his large amplifier. Pardon? No, that’s not a euphemism either. Well one thing led, as it so often does, to another which led to poor lifting technique, an attempted kiss, a horrified Kate, a confused Noah, angry arm waving, a lurking and suspicious younger sister, the secret serenading of Kate in public by an undeterred Noah, an even more suspicious younger sister, the discovery of sketches of her older sister, a broken heart, regret over nose piercing, sisterly hugs and absolutely no mention of grief stricken snogging, which was probably for the best really.

Cruel fate, crushed dreams and wheelchair-bound mothers

The ambitious Dr Rhys Lawson’s dreams of becoming a surgeon were left in tatters after falling victim to cruel fate of the changing-the-date-of-the-surgeon-programme-interview-pre-occupied-horny-personal-trainer-and-latin-music-fitness-regime-embracing-house-mate-doubles-buying-revenge kind (long story). Having turned up late and hungover for his interview, the panel of surgeons were less than impressed and not even Dr Lawson’s smarmy smile could win them over.

Oh the crushed dreams. Oh the bitter personal trainer/smarmy surgeon put downs. Oh how was he going to tell his doting, chronically ill, wheelchair bound mother of his failure? What was that? You didn’t know Dr Lawson had a doting, chronically ill, wheelchair bound mother and who could possibly fall for such a blatantly manipulative attempt by the scriptwriters to create viewer sympathy for the smarmy, shallow doctor? Quite. Alas, the caring, complex and deeply misunderstood Doctor Rhys couldn’t bring himself to tell his sick mother the truth, allowing her to believe that he’d been accepted onto the training programme and would soon become a world class surgeon. Poor Dr Lawson.

Other Stuff

Lucas decided not to sell the garage, temporarily scuppering the proposed shopping centre development and the funding of Lou’s around the world cruise (don’t ask) and causing Toadie to have a minor broken-couch-meltdown (again, don’t ask).

The convalescing surfer-dude head teacher Michael reluctantly allowed the rather attractive Serbian beautician/hairdresser Emilia to take care of him so that Tash could concentrate on her exams but once again warned her that his daughter must never discover the full and terrible truth about the day her mother drowned.

And Dr Karl Kennedy, having spotted Malcolm and Jade canoodling in a bus shelter, later confronted his son and the personal trainer and demanded they end the affair for such things would only lead (as he knew from personal experience) to tears, heartache and perhaps the conceiving of a baby following sleep-medication-induced naked adult shenanigans with your former mistress having mistaken them for your former wife.

And finally…

There’s no more Neighbours until the 16th January. Until then, have a very happy Christmas and thanks for visiting over the past few months.