Last week on Neighbours…

Missed Neighbours last week? Then you missed smirking smarmy doctors, Valentine’s Day celebrations, traffic light parties, the discovery of a portal to a c.2005 bikini plot-line, yet more personal trainer/handyman relationship angst (don’t worry I’m sure there’ll be more next week) and some rather dodgy mimed singing at Charlies. You also missed…

Toilet flashbacks and reluctant confessions

The surfer-dude English teacher Michael Williams began to experience flashbacks of the catching-Summer-cheating-in-the-loos-during-an-English-exam-prior-to-collapsing-from-a-perforated-ulcer kind much to the dismay of Fringe Girl who’d finally put aside her feelings of guilt and had hoped Michael’s 2 minute amnesia was a long term thing.

After some oddly Aussie/Scottish accented “hoe could yooze dorb Summer en after the lays yooze torld Tesh aboat her mam?” confrontations, Michael (who’s still harbouring secrets of the brother-in-law/sister-in-law-naked-adult-shenanigans-in-the-back-of-the-Sandman-while-wife-was-drowning and more recent kissing-aforementioned-sister-in-law-even-though-she’s-dating-a-best-mate kind) decided not to dob her in but advised the would be Lois Lane that she could either:

(a) go to university, study journalism and forge a successful award winning career but be tormented and consumed by the terrible, terrible guilt of what she had done for the rest of her life (which would probably be quite short given the psychological and physical effects such terrible, terrible guilt would have on her) or

(b) confess all, scuppering her Eden Uni dreams (probably no bad thing as nobody ever seems to complete their studies at Eden Uni) but live the rest of her life with a clear conscience.

After confessing all to a sympathetic Susan, Summer later headed to the office of the head teacher Priya the bore… sorry, Kapoor… and has now gone off to visit her vaguely unhinged but oddly missed ex step-nan Lyn.

First date jitters

Having accidentally asked Aiden out (long story) a nervous Chris Pappas went mini golfing with the floppy haired gay nurse. And despite a brief interruption from a tantrum throwing Tash (she’d learned of Summer’s cheating and has vowed never to forgive Summer for allowing her to think she’d played some part in her father’s stress related stomach ulcer collapse with all the fake pregnancy/dating a slimy gardener/online topless photos/graffiti/selling treasured Bad Love albums to fund a nose/job-near death swimming pool antics/genealogical research type grief she’d put him through) the pair are all set for a second date.

Baby woes

Sonya, the green fingered recovering something-or-other spent an afternoon peeing on pregnancy test sticks in the desperate hope that her beloved had knocked her up. But alas he had not. Oh the what-if-all-the-something-or-other-I-did-in-the-past-has-rendered-me-incapable-of-having-any-more-children? bemoanings that followed. Oh the maybe-I’m-too-old-to-have-a-baby-at-30 type manic mutterings that ensued. Oh the pointless ponderings of one viewer over who was running the nursery while all this peeing on sticks was going on. In a desperate bid to shut his beloved up Toadie has suggested they both take a fertility test (sorry, that should have come with a warning).

And finally…

Paul “avast me hearties” Robinson went to Port Douglas to search for his frizzy haired niece Kate Ramsay and engage in a bit of experimental exposed vest wearing. Well, one thing led to another which led to the pissing off of  the local police, the feeding of opportunist back-packers, lost wallets, the increasingly overused-of-late I’m-listening-to-my-ipod-and-am-totally-oblivious-to-all-conversation-and-hollering plot device, the attempted theft of a boat, phone conversations with stroppy younger sisters and the eventual uniting of Kate with her one-legged uncle.

Having been told by Sophie that Mrs K has agreed to become her new guardian (she hasn’t) and will no longer be cast into an orphanage by Roz the social worker (she will), Kate has decided to put her own happiness first for a change and head off to Vietnam with her new beloved Dominic, much to the dismay of the evil hotelier/newspaper owner. What was that? Didn’t Kate put her own happiness first when she asked Andrew to delete Summer’s time-lapse footage of her grief induced kiss with Noah which ultimately resulted in the zombie loving student’s English exam revision meltdown, shameful cheating and crushed uni dreams? Err… yes.

The one where everyone finds out

There were failed Jedi mind tricks, revelations, stroppy teens, sofa farce and flashbacks aplenty in Neighbours last week.

A good Jedi make Kate would not

Kate the former dancer/trainee teacher/assistant in Harold’s Store turned to the Force in a desperate bid to be rid of her besotted floppy hatted guitar strumming admirer and told a trembly lipped Noah that she’d never kissed him, he’d imagined the whole thing, and that he was, quite frankly, a bit daft in the head. But alas, believe this not would he. Determined that Kate should admit to himself and to the World that she had indeed kissed him, Noah revealed all to Priya (wife of Councillor Kapoor and stand-in headteacher at Erinsborough High while the surfer-dude Michael Williams recuperates from his drowned-Serbian-beauty-queen-wife-secret-induced perforated stomach ulcer) during the grand unveiling of the already unveiled History Wall.

Well, one thing led to another which led to gasps, denials, suspensions, guilt, retractions, reprieves, how-could-you-have-made-up-such-lies-about-my-sister-you-freak-type shouting, accidental oddly-Scottish/Aussie-accented blurtings, tearful how-could-you-have-kissed-the-only-floppy-hatted-guitar-strumming-boy-I’ve-ever-loved-type shouting, a bit of overacted angry running and the dobbing in of an older sister. Kate finally admitted she’d committed the terrible deed (though has yet to reveal that it was one of those odd grief induced kisses brought about by the death of the only handsome-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way detective with OCD she’d ever loved, Mark Brennan) and was once again suspended from her trainee teacher-type duties while she awaits an official enquiry into the whole sorry saga. Meanwhile her broken hearted unforgiving stroppy younger sister Sophie moved out and is now living with the unsettlingly nice of late evil one legged uncle, Paul Robinson. If he’s got any sense he’ll make her leave her sodding electric bass at her sister’s.

Yet more confessions

The oddly Scottish/Aussie accented Andrew Robinson confessed to his do-gooding, zombie loving girlfriend Summer that her “tame-lepse” film of wet paint drying had included footage of the aforementioned kiss and that he’d deliberately deleted the whole thing in an attempt to save his cousin’s career. Oddly enough Summer took the news rather well. Racked with guilt of the being-caught-cheating-during-an-English-exam-by-your-invalided-head-teacher-who-doesn’t-remember-you-cheating-and-having-the-opportunity-to-resit-the-exam-again kind, Summer confessed all to Chris Pappas and Andrew and is now pondering whether she should (a) get over the feelings of guilt, say nothing to the powers that be and resit the exam or (b) confess all which could end her lifelong dreams of doing some journalist uni course next year.

And finally…

Susan Kennedy, intrepid reporter for the Erinsborough News, began to suspect Karl of having naked adult shenanigans with Jade the personal trainer (don’t ask) which led to flashbacks of the 1998-and-2004-cheating-git-of-a-husband kind and some jealous-wife-type behaviour. What was that? Did Susan finally admit she’d been completely irrational of late, was terribly sorry, she loved him and could they give their marriage another go? Err, no. Just as the completely innocent Dr K dared to hope that such jealousy proved that his wife still loved him in a ransacking-of-the-blue-box kind of way, Susan figured out that their son Malcolm was the one having naked adult shenanigans with the personal trainer (long story with yet another flashback), that Karl had known of their randy son’s exploits for some time and concluded that as a former no-good two-timing excuse of a husband Karl was therefore equally to blame. Harsh.

Please Sir, can I go to the toilet?

Okay, we’ve all been there. Your zombie loving, do-gooding beloved is feeling down in the dumps because they’ve managed to get the local youth radio station shut down after broadcasting unsubstantiated claims of dodgy council dealings over some shopping centre complex and you want to cheer them up by finishing off their rather dull report about some History Wall painting project which they’re submitting as part of an application for a journalist degree. You take advantage of your evil one legged media mogul/hotelier/failed-recruiter-of-now-sacked-insolent-Polish-cleaners-named-Lorraine-to-spy-on-councillors-named-Ajay-Kapoor father’s offer to use the local newspaper’s cutting edge editing suit, not questioning why he wasted his money on software for editing film footage when he runs a newspaper, when, shock horror, you discover that the time-lapse film of the History Wall painting contains footage of your former dancer/assistant in Harold’s/trainee teacher cousin pashing your slightly odd, floppy woolly hatted guitar strumming classmate.

You have a quiet word with your aforementioned cousin in the most public of places and despite your odd Scottish/Aussie accent getting vaguely unintelligible when anxious your cousin catches the gist of what you’re saying and tells you that your beloved can’t possibly use the film as it’ll end their hopes of becoming a teacher. You explain that the speeded up film of wet paint drying is the only way your zombie loving do-gooding significant other can get onto the journalist course, but your cousin couldn’t care less. So you attempt to edit out the pashing section of the time-lapse film, which rather oddly and most inexplicably slows right down at the point of the kiss, but it doesn’t look quite right… not remotely terrible, but not perfect. However, the alternative is to delete the entire film which wouldn’t go down too well with your beloved. So the choice is simple. No-brainer really.

Image via Wikipedia

Having explained to Summer that he’d “accidentally” deleted the entire film footage (l know, I know – take it up with the script writers) Andrew’s beloved had a major Frankenstein revising meltdown and in desperation photographed her post-it-note quotes on her phone and left it in some air vent type thing in the school loos so that she could sneakily refer to them during an emergency mid-exam toilet break. Alas one thing led to another which led to vibrating phones, questionable hygiene, hysterical pleadings, perforated stomach ulcers, collapsing loopy-pill-popping-slightly-weird-about-kormas-jealous-of-hand-holding-mechanics-and-rather-attractive-Serbian-beauticians/hairdressers-surfer-dude head teachers, hospital, gay nurses, guilt, anxious waiting and, thankfully for Summer, a minor case of two-minute amnesia. Yep, Michael doesn’t remember discovering Summer’s cheating.

And finally…

Callum’s attempts to get out of his parent-enforced, pay-towards-the-extra-broad-band-required-for-your-online-dragon-quest-game-yourself-you-lazy-little-sod-lesson-teaching paper round were bested by the presumably still green-fingered, recovering something-or-other and less-annoying-of-late Sonya.

Jade and the married Malcolm Kennedy continued to have naked-adult-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached, apart from a temporary blip when the increasingly smarmy doctor’s son sent her some flowers. The personal trainer, thinking the flowers were from Kyle the absent handyman (the man she secretly loves but is afraid to admit she loves) was proper made up until she discovered Mal had sent them. Unimpressed, she explained to the horny pig keeper that the sending of flowers seriously contravened the whole adult-naked-shenanigans-with-no-strings-attached arrangement and must never happen again.

“And what of the floppy hatted, guitar strumming Noah and Kate?” you ask. Well, having somehow magicked himself out of Harold’s when Sophie turned up, he then invited himself to Sophie’s welcome-back-from-music-camp dinner and attempted to con Kate into accompanying Sophie and himself to some guitar strumming gig. “So Noah still hasn’t got the message?” Err, not really no, though Kate foiled his fiendish plan by having Lou accompany him and her sister to the gig instead. What was that? Yes, you’re quite right, ‘magicked’ is an odd looking word.

Neighbours: the big storylines of 2010 and 2011 (part 2)

Kate Ramsay, former dancer/full-time assistant in Harold’s Store/occasional trainee teacher, has spent the past few weeks moping around after she failed to join her beloved Mark Brennan, the good looking-in-an-obvious-sort-of-way detective with OCD, in a witness protection programme. They were happy and in love until Mark discovered the shocking truth that Kate had lied to the police to protect Rebecca, mother of the fake Declan (long story) and wife of Paul Robinson, who had accidentally pushed her one-legged, two-timing, blackmailing excuse of a husband off the balcony of Lassiters (though to be fair it was a gentle shove and the builders who installed the flimsy glass safety barrier were really at fault).

The pushing of Paul Robinson off the balcony of Lassiters led to amnesia, months of speculation, more blackmail, cunning deception and excruciating hours of Paul’s equally no good and oddly Scottish/Aussie accented son Andrew accusing pretty much everyone of “pooshing ma daaah”, until Rebecca, after a doomed fling with the surfing headteacher of Erinsborough High, Michael, was finally whisked away by the fake Declan, his brother Oliver and the former nightclubbing nun turned Mafia veggy seller Carmella, leaving poor Kate to confess her part in the whole sorry saga.

Mark took it well and dumped her, had a one night stand with Jade, regretted it, regretted it even more when Kate found out (what were the odds of that happening?), and turned in a fellow police officer for dodgy dealings, putting his life in vaguely mortalish danger. No sooner had Mark been talked into entering a witness protection programme by a rather dodgy detective with yet another odd Scottish accent, he was passionately reunited with Kate and mere minutes later told her he was leaving and would Kate and her younger sister Sophie join him in his new life who knows where, living as who knows who and doing who knows what? Kate said yes and was sure her sister would agree to it. Alas, sensible Sophie was less keen. By the time Sophie had been badgered into agreeing to the crazy plan they had but minutes to join Mark somewhere on the other side of Erinsborough before he would be driven off by the dodgy detective with the odd Scottish accent to live a new life who knows where, living as who knows who and doing who knows what, never to be seen or contacted again, not even by his poor mother. Naturally fate conspired against them (Sophie fell over) and by the time they got to the rendezvous site, Mark had gone.

Thankfully Kate is blissfully oblivious to the fact that Toadie overheard a policeman telling the dodgy detective with the odd Scottish accent that Mark had been found dead. Did the dodgy detective with the odd Scottish accent play a part in his demise? Will Kate find out? Will Sophie ‘cop’ the blame for Mark’s death after trying to contact him in a desperate attempt to sort things out and make her sister happy? Is he really dead? Who knows.